Taylor Je T'aime

ummm..yea.. about that

2010-02-08T23:13:00.000-08:00

what you have missed in picture story form!!

Monster Massive.

new years

2 thumbs down

burned brigdes

four thumbs up for the rescue mission

DAYCARE..still

BIRTH CONTROL

need a roommate?

2009-11-16T09:42:00.000-08:00

MOney..&& ii want more of iit. its my motivation..&& funny how ii traded love for it. ii wonder iif they can coincide.. iim nervous to test iit out.. im not tryna risk love for the money && especiially not the uther way around.. ii have defintly learned how to live my life for myself.. how to be without someone while im with them,because if for some reason they r gone.. ii would juss keep doiin me..not like a seperate life.. juss a seperate journey..seperate goals..but not one infrunt the other..two people.side by side..with two diffrent missions.. meetiing in the middle.

Ramboozled!!

2009-11-06T22:20:00.000-08:00

iim looking back on all of my posts within the last six months.. && ii see how much shit he really was full of...all of that emotion, && energy wasted into someone who didnt really want it nor appreciate it.. i could start this post off in so many ways..but thers nothing really to say at this point. i got dirted.. dirt game.. ramboozled..fooled && tricked into thinking ii had somethinng worth fighting for.. fooled into thinking that iii was good enough..ramboozled into feeling like he was worth it.. lol.. smh.. ii always said he should be a lawyer.. really good at lieing, making counter accusations... he was just an asshole.. lol. from the time ii met him to the last kiss. && ii kno ii saw it all comiing. i ddnt wanna believe it tho.. patience is a gift && a curse. and some people are juss not worthy of it. ii walked out of whatever it was that we had with no regrets uther then this nigga really juss waisted my time..&& more then n e thing my money.. and now since money is all ii see lately,, ii keep calculating all the dollars spent on movies...and MY OWN BIRTHDAY.. ii now wonder about things like,.. did he buy me only a book && a candle because he couldnt afford n e thing else, && was tryna b sentimental.. or did he really juss not give a fuk.. my boyfriend was racist! THERE! ii saiid iit.!! deep down inside he was only down to ride for the long haired thick red bones.. lol.. && ii juss wasnt light enuff.. ii didnt make the cut.. my ass wasnt biig enuff... my hair wasnt long enuff..or REAL enuff..lol.. && ii understand all this.. but if u met me in cargos , sneaks, && shoulder length hair?. whut happnd.. lol. my image wasnt good enuff, && ii altered it. not so much for myself but for someone elses happiness..ii mean.. iim glad ii did iit, because ii have a balance between the tomboy && the women.. && thats the thing.. iim a women, who was tryna be with a little boy, who doesnt know who he is, who wants a girlfriend, && the rest of the hoes in the world too..who wanted a girl who kuld roll over, sit, speak, &&play dead at the snap of his fingers. he almost had me tho.. ii was halfway there.. didnt want me to act like a "Bro"... when really BRO.. they were my "Bros" before u..with the exception of a few..ii grew up with these people.. && ii think its pretty saad when ur friends end up likeing me better then you. ii feel sorry for him in a way.. im hurt tho.. kus this whole thing was a lie.. i mean.. maybe sometimes he did care, i dont doubt that.. but how long r u suppose to pretend to love someone?.. is it when ur standing at the alter with a ring in your hand that you realize this aint it for u?.. that u really tryna fuxx wiit the skinny long haird broad in the studio..lol..ii feel that im worthy of the truth ..if anything, ii deserve to know when its all for pretend..ii knew everthing.. ii knew it all.. nobdy has told me anything, && ii kno iim dead ass right.. iiknoabout the dancing..(well)..the bad grinding at partys.,lol ii kno about the other girls.. the change of passwords.. iim not an idiot..u idiot. half the girls he knows, ii knew first..iive functioned wit those hoes..smh.. its juss all baad.. thers so much more.. so much of everything. ive seen actuall conversations...bet he dusnt know THAT thoo.. smh.. ive always been kool with my ex's..no matter what theyve done..at somepoint..were kool.. but this.. iive never been used,manipulated,lied too,&& strung along..alll at once..maaan..this is like all the baad boyfriiends in one.. ii unno.. im over it. but still in disbelief..ifit were juss us,&& he needed "A FUK" to save his liife...ii prolly wouldnt giive him one.. ii have to learn to live without someone ii had so easily grew accustomed too..thats more painful.. ill get thru iit tho.. ii hope tho, in a few months from now, he's not in the same place ii left him at. .. for his sake. kus ive grown..i see the progress..which to me is in the stacks ii keep in shoeboxes..ii see him at the same place ii met him at. except now..without a home?..prolly waiting for a nice light brite chick to google apartments && handle all of his other secratarial needs...smh.. what was ii thinking.. lol. seriously.. what have i learned from ths whole six month bullshyt relationship..ive learned how to walk in heels, put on makeup, && to how to recognize when ur not being loved && respected the way u shuld.. ii hadforogooten who ii was kinda, lost myself in someone else..im worth so much more then this. ii can do way better then this..my recent caller ID has proved that. no more 18 year olds.. like em' young is done. lol.. officially.

Michelangelo’s famous statue of David

2009-10-08T18:55:00.000-07:00

ii wanna go to the museum ..ii havent been in a loooong while... sculptures like THIS, make me wonder, if these men had theyre EX wives draw them..lol.. becus that little nugget that they ALL seem to have juss is a NO GO. all ii kno, is that is NOT what ii go home to every niight... lol.. not even if its snowwin outside.. ii wish ii knew how to sculpt or draw bodys though.. i pay attention in great detail to his.(my bf..not that guy up there) he has the most beautiful bone structure i have ever seen in life.. especially when he gets maad..and those jaws clench together.YUMMY!! and his back, has the perfect lines i have ever seen, even better then the sculptures in the musuem..he puts them all to shame. and the broadness of his shoulders and the arch in his pelvis... ii cant wait to take this art class next semester..so then i have someone to practice on.. with drawing ii mean.. lol

F M L

2009-10-08T18:36:00.000-07:00

im sitting in the library currently, waiting on my English 101 class to start.. i took my teperature at work(the day care) before i left, it read .102 .. ii can only imagine what it must be now.. the room is spinning.. i can feel my heart pulsating thru my brain.. my eyes are swollen halfway shut.. and i saound like im 200 pounds heavier not being able to breathe thru my nose, but scared to breathe thru my mouth..id be smh'n..but im already dizzy. ii kno ii shuld be layin down or sumthin.. but ii cant miss class.well,..i can miss class.... but ii would rather save an absense for something more enjoyable.. 3 hours of class... im finna pray && text thru it...

on a lighter note. my 6 month anniversary is on saturday... hopefully ill be better by then ya?

Hello Kitty Three Apples Exhibition to hit LA

2009-10-06T17:45:00.000-07:00

Hello Kitty is celebrating her 35th birthday and will be holding an exhibition full with limited edition items. Collaborative artists include Gary Baseman, Ron English, Buff Monster, Frank Kozik and Tara Mcpherson, to name just a few from the 80. The exibition will be held at Culver City’s Royal T. The exhibition will be open for the public from October 23rd to November 15

\IM GOiiNG IM GOING\IM GOiiNG IM GOING\IM GOiiNG IM GOING\IM GOiiNG IM GOING\IM GOiiNG IM GOING\IM GOiiNG IM GOING\IM GOiiNG IM GOING\IM GOiiNG IM GOING\IM GOiiNG IM GOING\IM GOiiNG IM GOING\IM GOiiNG IM GOING\IM GOiiNG IM GOING\IM GOiiNG IM GOING\IM GOiiNG IM GOING\IM GOiiNG IM GOING\IM GOiiNG IM GOING\IM GOiiNG IM GOING\IM GOiiNG IM GOING\IM GOiiNG IM GOING\IM GOiiNG IM GOING\IM GOiiNG IM GOING\IM GOiiNG IM GOING\IM GOiiNG IM GOING\IM GOiiNG IM GOING\IM GOiiNG IM GOING\IM GOiiNG IM GOING\IM GOiiNG IM GOING\IM GOiiNG IM GOING\IM GOiiNG IM GOING\IM GOiiNG IM GOING\IM GOiiNG IM GOING\IM GOiiNG IM GOING...

THE SPLiiF

2009-10-02T18:16:00.000-07:00

Toniiight... The Spliif .. its back.. && iim ready for it. things like that flow thru my vains.. iit makes me wanna hop on a plain to SF for the weekend meet up wit gabbs && take in an entire new way of living.. The Spliff , The Lacma.. its all apart of who i am, things that represent me.. music && the arts... im excited.

FRIDAY October 2nd
***THE SPLIFF***
9PM - 1AM
9009 W. Sunset Blvd. LA, CA 90069
$5 ALL NITE

THE SPLIFF is back in full effect!
We grabbed a bunch of the illest MC's:

Dre Biggity (UTB Lifestyle) - "Diaper Dandy Mixtape" Available 10/12/09

Pheo. - He's rocked the Spliff stage before and always comes correct!

Gaknew Roxwell - Local LA Mic thrasher

J Bizness - Red Bull Big Tune LA CHAMPION

Stevie Crooks - "Can't Stop The Crooks Mixtape" Available Now!

2009-09-30T20:13:00.000-07:00

ii miss him. but ii know that it will be worth it one day.. one day ii will wake up on white sheets and see green walls with him next to me cursing at the daylight.. anthropologie floor rugs && urbanoutfitters wall art.. pottery barn candles ontop of free vintage nightstands from craigslist.... but until that day ii will pout on nights like these.. lonely showers && cancelled classes.. awake waiting for him to come home. .. i cant help but think of how this will not get anybetter , for it will be days.. weeks,,months.. i will have to go without him.. i guess this is good practice?....

your love is measured by:

2009-09-26T01:15:00.000-07:00

what your willing to sacrifice for it. who and what your willing to let go of. what your willing to change within yourself..only becus it will help not to weaken the love you have gained... not to change who you are, but only your way of thinking. a thinking that is thought of in 2's as appose to the one person state of mind u use to live in.. livid && jaded walk next to eachuther... in the time where mostly silence is appreciated... but rarely followed thru . on nights like these..where the fan blows hot air && my brain feels tights.. my eyes swollen. my nose red.. its in these moments. i hide from my writing. i neglect my journals.. and my blog..and the box of him.. crawling under one sheet topless with warm tears on new pillowcases.. low on energy..ive run out of cheeks to turn.. && shoulders to shrug...shut down mode..it dusnt mean im giving up.. just that its not worth the waste of precious words i have to offer in the world. change comes..but in time.. and feelings towards that should be expressed appropriatly. and love is measured by patience.. whut r u willing to put up with before you are compromising who YOU are. .. love is a continuous lesson it grows and changes with you ..only worry when youve stopped growing..when you become hendered by it.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY: SELF.

2009-08-23T14:54:00.001-07:00

Intuition

2009-08-19T17:04:00.000-07:00

its all baad.. && iit will alllllll come out. .soon. enuff.

SIDEBAR

2009-08-16T00:17:00.000-07:00

ive noticed that when ur with someone alot, around them.. u become like them..u retain the same habits, the same phrases,ur body language is diffrent, even your way of thinking.. ive been called an asshole today officially seven times.. am i proud of it? hail yea.. only assholes, speak how they feel with no apologies.. not to say that i didnt hav a mind of my own before...but before..i was afraid of confrontation..so id juss keep my mouth shut.. if people say sumthing stupid, they shuld b kalld out for it. even when im explaining things..or making jokes... i can see myself doing the same hand gestures.. and facial expressions.. lol. i think its kinda cute...kinda.........sometimes... lol

incomplete...

2009-08-15T23:10:00.000-07:00

He draws his dreams into existence
tapping his hopes onto touch screens
Through tips built on passion and faith
A haunting habit that his soul breathes
Necessary feed, he bleeds,images
How deep
Each sight creates each masterpiece
Collisions and barricades of passion,love&pain
Life without would be meaningless
Love without would be worthless
Value is bestowed in his worth:
Greatness.
Blank slates, create outlets of space
Visionary guided by forces,
Reality is rested in his ideals.
Bound by lines, rhyme, and bars of glory.
Emotions manifested, observations
Of his passion touch many
Influence action
Close to heart, capturing each pump of life
Limited by time,
Yet available
The art never dies.
Production of perfection at war with priorities
And perception of loving art more
Than those tangible.
But: the obsession is within each breath.
Admired publically
Yet, only needing affirmation and confirmation
Within. mentally.
Always hungry,
Starving artist appetite despite years invested
Misunderstood by the desires of man
Aggression against time
Begging not to be wasted, spent in vain
Lost in the concept of creation.
Conscious controls living. All that is thought, is, and will be.
And he begins without instruction
Guided by movement
Requested by many
Misunderstood by plenty
Placing blame on man
For being only human
Admired, even envied for his craft.
Refreshing, eternal soul starving to be full
Yet exposed
Releasing visions, filling holes
But still left incomplete...
Just breathing...

2009-08-13T11:47:00.000-07:00

you can be my muse
my mona lisa of a masterpiece
my reasoning for metaphors
and laughter
and hyperness
no suger added
dont hold back your happiness
your contentment to stay
those dempels are tattle tales
you can be my forever && a day
my plus one
the reason i take the long way home
you can be my secret
held tightly in my pocket
away from the world
not just on rainy days
let me save u
from pollution
global warming
from yourself
you can be my.....
u can just be mine.

2009-08-11T23:26:00.000-07:00

everything hurts.. some part of this is wrong.. and my gaurd is up and im waiting to be disappointed.waiting to find the reasonign behind this pain..im prolly rambling.. but these thoughts haunt my daydreeams, and cloud my sleep..im still tryna put it all together.. others shouldnt have to remind me of my worth, or my beauty or n e other thing thats pointed out to me throughout my days... not that ii look for it, but ii wonder why the silence falls so hard onto my heart.. ii juss sometimes doubt whether or not im good enuff..on the list of things we dont speak on.. right under Exs' && shoe selection...

2bc...

when hearts break..

2009-08-06T13:26:00.000-07:00

When hearts break,
they all sound the same
Their beats speak in bilingual tongues
But disappointment talks in the same language
Evil intentions have the same complexion
Which is hard to identity sometimes
But you learn by experience..
when hearts break,
letting go hurts less
when you are holding on alone
already knowing u wernt good enuff
forgotten amongst superficial figures
that dont go deeper then weaves && pretty smiles
when hearts break,
it no longer believes in happy endings
or natural beauty
only nightmares && natural disasters
tucks you in at night

2bc.

ON REPEAT

2009-08-04T11:26:00.000-07:00

All Cried Out - Fink

You took your time to come back this
time
The grass has grown under your feet
In your absence I changed my mind
And someone else is sitting in your seat

I know that I said that there'd be
no-one else
I know that I said I'd be true
But baby - I burned Cupid's arrow
And here's the short and narrow
I've nothing left to offer you

'Cause I'm all cried out
You took a whole lot of loving for
a handful of nothing
All cried out
It's hard to give you something when
You're pushing me

So don't look surprised there was
no disguise
You know where I stood from the start
So stop - look around you
You're right back where I found you
Take back your cold and empty heart

You go your way
I'll go mine
I won't stay around here
Don't waste my time

DELAYED TEARS

2009-08-01T13:14:00.000-07:00

as the days of very loud silence disturb my sleep && thoughts, the more ii feel like shit. there ii said iit. im sure the self pity on my shoulder is happy now.. how i should have reacted in the moment is now how this entire day is becoming.. filled with private meltdowns && mini panick attacks..this isnt falling into the place how i wanted it to at all.but when does it EVER. its easier to say that i realize this is no longer in my hands then for me to actualy let it go..
whatever the issue is, really loving them through it measures the true amount of love had for someone i believe. ii dont feel its fair to be punished emotionally for a mistake that was made...if anything a desicion needs to be made. either be maad && off it.. or over it so we kan move on... the inbetween has to be the worst feeling.. its like fake LOL's && sarcastic coomments that hav true meaning. its the feeling of not really caring what happens at this point, putting in little to no effort && rolling(tho we never roll) your eyes to the "i miss you"'s that use to matter, which have now turned into "yeah right"'s... at what point is it okay to not feel baad about the things that have occured because you cannot possibly fix them, but only grow from them..so now.. we waiit? && how long do you wait before you realize they may not come.

((2bC))

"DEEP"

2009-07-31T19:58:00.000-07:00

“There is no love without forgiveness, and there is no forgiveness without love.”
-- my fortune cookie

how Appropriate i thought.. i sat at this table listening to my mother ramble, while i stared at this little piece of paper.. my love life, flashed before my eyes..it felt like death..like loss of breath, foggy imaged memories all passing thru my mind like a Rolodex.. everything went silent. when ii came back to focus on whutever my mother was saying, i realized i was crying,un controlably.. iit was like shock had completly come over me.. when things happen invloving me ...iit takes me a minute to comprehend everything that has just transpired, whether im the one in the right or wrong, it dusnt matter..

ii write because im horrible at explaining things OUTLOUD..everything..my brain moves faster then my mouth..more then 27 thoughts go thru my mind at once..so when im the one thats upset, and doing the confronting, it takes me at least a day before i can fully explain whuts wrong, why im upset && blah blah blah.. && when im the one in the wrong... it has to be 20 times worse..if n e thing it makes me look even guiltier..its worse then public speaking.. my mind draws blanks.. and as i try to put my thoughts together..nothing comes out..

when im upset at something, ii get over it once ive said what ive had to say. i dont hold grudges, partly because i dont like fighting.i avoid it as much as possible.. not to say that everything goes back to normal.. ii wiish it was that simple tho..

((2bc..))

grrr.

2009-07-21T15:37:00.000-07:00

ii crave candles && absent minded kisses && for once in forever being able to do what ii want to do..ii feel ignored.. not literally.. but more so forgotten.. like heyyy remember meee...&& what iiiii like to do. && who ii am..lol. maybe ii need to find some wierdo friends that like bookstores && art musuems...&& uther things that require a brain... id like to feel like someone has stopped the world just for me for at least 5 minutes.. which ii realize is alot to ask for.. but today ii feel selfishly frustrated.. iim tired of...sharing ...why do ii have to share my favorite people...ALL THE TIME. this day sukks. filled with unsuccesful research && unaccomplished goals...when i need something..people r too busy to help.. but ii drop everything for others..doesnt seem fair.

2009-07-16T13:24:00.000-07:00

"Tears are sometimes an inappropriate response to death. When a life has been lived completely honestly, completely successfully, or just completely, the correct response to death's perfect punctuation mark is a smile. "

juss got a call from my mom while at work.. g-moms is in the hospital.. had a stroke.. my 79 year old great grandmother is loosing strength right in front of my eyes. she had been sick for a while, nothing major..but never been hospitalized.. the one that holds my family together..ii have this deep pain in my chest,throat, && stomach.. ii can handle when IM the one not okay, because i know that i will be ok.. but ii feel so helpless. iim beggining to realize that without question, she will die before me. hopefully no time soon, but i just keep thinking about the circle of life, and how people will die.. one day i will die.. i unno.. its not sumthing i like to think of.. last funeral ii went to was my dads... ii cant imagaine having to go thru that again.. especially now...

i know that i have the perfect family for the perfect disasters.. strong willed, we keep each other up.. im the only one that doesnt cry out loud. im looked at as the one making the calls, finding out the info, all while trying to keep everyone else calm with a smile or a few jokes... no matter what we always get thru things..

((no comment))

2009-07-14T16:22:00.000-07:00

iive had the worst chest pains lately.. ii try && seem under control..not to scare any one. but sometimes it just is unbearable.. ii caant even explain it.. it has alot to do with the stress && anxiety ii put myself thru.. ii feel so old sometimes.. laughing to hard.HURTS..trying to keep from crying HURTS... walking too fast HURTS...anything over exhurting my upper body..hurts..its rediculous..ii get hella tired easily..all ii ever wanna do is sleep, or be wiith HIM..all these hospital bills r killiin me.. makes me wanna juss breathe thru the heart pain. lol. i hear "hospital", and instantly see the dollar signs leaving ma bank account.. ii stress out when the people i care about stress out.. ii stress out for them..ontop of my stress.. ii juss need to make a few moves..so that way we kan be straight... ii could never be content with the place i am at in my life because there is always opportunity to better it.. but ii cant complain either if im not doing much to help..

(PAUSE)
... ii chose not to blog about the last few days..juss because ii still havent taken it all in.. ii will say this tho.. whutever it was.. iit was bomb. and ii wish that there was a button ii could press so ii could feel that way alllllll day... ii mean there kinda is a button..but ii dont have that kind of access to it as ii would like.. ii read somehwere that there might be a possibility for a few allnighters.lol. we'll see if that oppurtunity arises... (pause) ..literally. lol

DEAR THURSDAY,

2009-07-09T18:33:00.000-07:00

ii hurt a little less then yesterday.. "i'll love you thru it"..big words. very true words tho.. baby steps i guess. i know the person i was before he came around would be off this entire thing. but the me that i am now, just makes me want to ,love him harder..just with eyes wide open..little things matter.they say alot. ((like away messages and ikon piktures..little kid shyt,..)) love feels like a binding contract when being tested.. people make mistakes..&& i thought forgiveness would make me look weak, i see now that ii look alot stronger for being able to move on from it.. i talked to my dads "little homiie" (from QS)yesterday ... his reaction to my tearfull hello..was "u want him in a box?".. lol .. i thought about if i was really that mad .if i could ever really be that maad.."nah im good, we'll get thru it"..was my answer.. so here ii am.. tryna get thru it.. nervous for tommoro... hope everything in the 4th month feels like the first..

2009-07-08T13:53:00.000-07:00

iive decided to juss keep my mouth shut about things that ii really wanna say. no good can come from this, && ii cant really go by what others tell me..((tho id be a fool not to mention it))..so here ii am ...mentioning it.."the suffer in silence type" as my mom likes to kall me.. im more hurt then anything..&& ii dont need to ask if its true what ii was told, because what would ii do wiith that type of information.. forgiveness would only make me look weaker..to say im not trippin would be like saying fire isnt hot... all ii can do is take note..everything comes out eventually.. innocent until proven guilty.. the benefit of the doubt is given.. but the signs of doubt have indeed been noted.. tiime to take a few steps back.. regardless if its true or not..if you really do love someone like you say, you know what situations not to place yourself in. you know what is enough temptation to make you mess up..am ii the only one that believes in self control??...theres no such thing as "caught in the moment"... there shouldn't be any room for moments... everything is placed into a better perspective at least.. how much am ii willing to tolerate??... ii think my tolerance is only enuff until ii feel && look like a fool. this time ive been caught off gaurd, next time, ill see it for myself && there will be no suffering in silence.. just me calling my mom to bail me out of jail.

For Your Info

2009-07-07T17:37:00.000-07:00

growing tiired of the same pattern... was never really down for shariing. worry comes when ii stop caring... && iive stopped...caring..

Jungle Juiice

2009-07-06T16:11:00.000-07:00

thiis has been thee BEST weekend of my life..as far as juss regular FREE funn is concerned.. iim not gunna go into any details, but the moral of part one of the story is that im so glad iim not labeled as "the girlfriend" .. im happy that people can tell we are together..without me being GLUED to his balls... im happy that ii do have my own life outside of our world. that i have friends, especialy the same friends. it helps the relationship. when you become dependent on one person entirely... that puts you into a bad situation.. if something was to ever happen, and he was all ii allowed myself to have...if for some reason he left me..id be screwed. && thats real. ii already cant imagine my life without him.. so iif ii put a possesive && overwhelming CONTINOUS emotion into him... it wuldnt be good..lol being my own person and having a normal amount of space, reminds me how to function without him there. i love him completly, but ii know how to live when he's not around. im glad that im a tomboy.. it use to embaress me, because ii felt like if we go somewhere. i look like his sister or sumthing.. (partly due to the cargos, which are officialy retired in is presence) im glad that i like to play football, && ii can carry a conversation without taking every word personaly...im glad ii dont take things to serious.. shyt, im juss glad i am who i am.. ii feel bad for getting joy thru uther peoples fuk ups..but it made me appreciate myself.. im always so quick to shoot myself down..scared of not being good enuff. but after this weekend, ii think im DAMN GOOD!. lol. im a bomb ass girlfriend.. most of the time.. becus i do have my bad moments. no lie. ii give this weekend a 9. a ten would have ment i didnt go home... fully prepared for July 10th.. wont be going home that night. ;)

((the highlight of my day was of course this stuff called JUNGLE JUiiCE???..
still no klue whut was in it... ii was gone for a minute tho. lol.
tasted like kool aid after many shots of clear liquor...))

cringing wiith crackers..

2009-07-02T12:55:00.000-07:00

where to begin.. health.the most important.. i went to the doctor today. i am officially cured of whatever it was i had that ii cant spell or pronounce..the tests that came back on my brain were negative, && they think that ii might have been mis diagnosed with a form of epilepsy.. it looks to be that ii most likely have some type of an anxiety/panic attack disorder instead... which can also be cured with medication for a few months while my heart continues to be monitored... i have a neurologist appointment in a few weeks... wiish me luuk!!
LOVE...y is it alot harder then iit looks. when placed in emotional situations, its hard for me to explain myself.. my feelings... n e thing really.. ii choke.. which is why im so good at writing,its how ii explain any..&& everything.. all that comes out of my mouth are "umm's"..."ii cant explain's".. && uther stuff that makes me sound like an overly dramatic broad. ii never wanna be the girlfriend that always is upset over little things..who nit piks && is jealous && over bearing.. thats so not me at all..

ii feel that the love that ii have to offer n e one..is greater then n e thing else ii culd give a person.. so my way of showing that ii care, or that ur missed, or n e thing else positive... ii tend to want to be affectionate.. so when ii feel like iim missed or whutever else, i excpect the same in return..to me yesterday was just baad timing, it wasnt a day where ii wanted to be left alone..ii wanted to be hugged and smothered... to be reassured that everything would be okay.. after being hospitalized...ii felt like yesterday shuld hav been an exception to the affection rule. i dont mind just being able to sit && stare or make jokes..thats being a bro for the day. && im always down for that.. but ii felt like yesterday caught me off gaurd. not at all what i expected or wanted.

once a conversation was had, && ii woke up feeling like shyt.. ii realized even mooooore.. ii didnt at all take into consideration how ii was making n e one else feel.. && that was selfish of me.. ive grown use to the doctor appointments, the sickness.. the heart issues && allergic reactions.. the people that are in my life now.. are new. && iit feels like ive known them forever sometimes..so ii forget the type of worry ii bring with me. the burden ii am..iim not tryna stress him out or make n e one wish they could have been there for me when they arnt capable. iim fine on my own..ive done well all this time.. && no ii dont need a big parade or a stop the presses when ii come around..

a certain type of contentment && a controlled emotion from me needs to be obtained... the doctors always tell me after ive had a scan how my heart is slightly to biig for my body.. a metaphor in so many ways."a gift && a curse" she tells me. holding back is diffrent from pushing away.. ii feel like its a form of lieing tho... withholding information.. ii dont want him to ever have to question iif ii love him. bekus ii kno what that feels like to wonder if someone really does care about u like they say.&& if u have to wonder..they prolly dont.. ii hate bein doubted.. everything was so unnecessary && blown out of porportion..never again.

at the end of the day...
him loving me is enough. thats one thing ii will never have to question in life. my happiness doesnt revolve around kisses && hugs or parades. him being there really is enough.. && ii should have thought of all of this sooner then later.
&& ii can here him now.."(yo baad)"

yea yea yea.. u riight .

the suffer in silence type.

2009-06-29T16:08:00.000-07:00

so iim having second thoughts about this pool party.. according to my life, this would be the first actual bf/gf outting ive ever had.. (ii can see gabby && E laughin at me) . im almost twenty years old && ive never been sumwhere with an actual boyfriend as like ..a public outting, where everyone basically knows us both.. like going to functions together doesnt count, because its night time,dark, && ii cant tell if any one is staring. lol. ii feel like this is an all baad situation waiting to happen.. things like this make me extreeeemly nervous.. sorry i missed this part of my life.. so ii dont kno whut im suppose to do.. lol. the normal part of me, would be doin my own thing... but the newly protective && strongly possesive self, wants to handd cuff him to my belt loop, hang a big sign that reads he's taken && no he doesnt want your number so you can help promote... lol. reading this myself, ii kno that im crazy. but that still doesnt help with me deciding on whether to even go.. i trust him but alot more when im not around (backwards??). becus i cant see it. ii feel like he wouldnt do anything out of line.. especially not in my face.. but females dont care. .especially half naked girls wit they ass && titties out for the world to see.. && then if they perform..(rolling my eyes)...i am fully secure with myself and my relationship.. but iit still wierds me out.. this whole thing is so overwhelming..i feel like im going with him to a strip club or sumthin.. im gunna b the only girl with actual clothes on.. && thats exactly how i want it. cargos && my sneaks.. my comfort zone..

2009-06-24T00:20:00.001-07:00

so many emotions... so many thoughts.. so much pain.. && happiness, && exhaustion && excitement.

FOR EXAMPLE:.. ii sat watching him play the piano.. && the tears came..
to much thinking turns into water works && runny noses..

whats wrong with me..

ii was born for Gods personal Amusment..

2009-06-19T12:38:00.000-07:00

SOOOOO HAPPY TO BE HALFWAY HOME!!...so!! lets start from the beggining... the RV trip was a mission in itself... yeast infections are not cool!! lol.. i wouldnt wish one on n e one.. && apparently u can get them w/o having sex.. u can also get them from having too much sugar in your diet.( i hear blaze's "i told u so" iin my head).. n e ways.. with me not ever having one.. it was like worse then death .. lol. its funny now but it wasnt at the time. its like a burning&& itching all at once... && then the good mother nature decided to thro my period in there too.which was 2 weeks earlier then when it was suppose to happen, i had to ride a bike with the seat too high..my feet barely reaching the petals...and the seat digging into my..problem area.. 2 miles to get to 7eleven to buy some pads...my life..ii swear i could right a book about the worst luck that i have..last month it was diapers..smh.. n e ways...after all that, i stayed on the beach..which was kool, but after day 1, the hype was gone..i realized that im older, and kinda too old to just be posted with my gparents with nothing to do but eat&& sleep...my life has become intertwined with other things..like writing(blogging)..partying(on occasion)..and more than anything derrius.DUUH!!. .just interaction with people my age in general..it was a relaxing but also very lonely vacation for me..did alot of thinking..alot of crying..alot of sleeping..lol

i guess i try so hard to always keep a smile on my face.. && im always so worried about other people.. placing everyone before myself..i forget sometimes to handle my own problems.pushing them to the side doesnt make them go away...ii juss wanna go to school..and get paid lots of money to write stuff..more then anything i want happiness..happines is love.&& ii have that.. so when love is not near...everything else outside of that bubble, seems to slap me in the face..my goal now is to obtain an equal environment..i guess thats what an adult is suppose to do.. it really isnt all fun && games.. .damn.

p.s...iif your wondering what the cherry ontop of this vacation is..it ends in me peeing on my ugg boots....no further comment

the drive home..

2009-06-16T00:29:00.000-07:00

&& iin this moment ii am content... im sure ii smile in my sleep sometimes.. right now im sleepy. && semi-saad. knowing that ii wont c him for a week at LEAST...i like being able to be away from him sumtimes... i feel like i overwhelm people....u kant miss sumone if they r always in ur face..ii wish ii culd give him the world.. but ii dont have that kinda money riight now. lol...one day tho. all of me wants to take on his problems as my own. carry the weight of his world && myne so that all he'd have to worry about was loving me.

2bc...

2009-06-09T23:47:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wonder
Will the bloom stay on the rose
Even though it’s picked

because apparently ii hiit a nerve..

"that saaaaame day, that ass is myne"

2009-06-09T00:29:00.000-07:00

i tryed writing.. but everything that comes out is sexual.. he makes me want to wear LAN-GER_AYE..which is french & not portugesie.. he makes me want to learn the splits..&& cook banana panckakes.. && watch adult programming with a notepad && a pen iin my hand.. he makes my chest ache out of longing... and my pelvic bone tingle.. ...
my patience is wearing thin..

2009-06-05T09:31:00.001-07:00

woke up feeling every content... a balanced && controled amount of love in my system... at day care right now... tryin not to fall asleep.. missing derrius logan..lol...excited about the party on saturday.. but bummed he cant go with me so ii can show him off.. he looks good with my shoes.. lol. my hair is done.. but shorter.. "it'll grow back" lol... tryna devise a plan so i can spend the night with him on saturday instead of actually going home.... iim such a baad liar tho.. lol.

this is how ii feel : *&(^&**#$%#$*&^!@#$!!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-06-03T22:59:00.000-07:00

this house is the root to all my stress && worry... it bothers me that the person who had me, who i was once apart of, knows the least about me in the world.my neighbors know me better. she has this built in perception of me, && its irritating.. im tired of hearing about how i remind her of my father, "all filled with dreams, && no follow thru".. its hard to follow thru when i have medical bills to pay.. thousands of dollars worth. shes mad at me because i dont have a car. a car costs money.. unpaid medical bills mess up credit, which makes it hard to get an apartment once i do have the car.. im not an idiot, even tho ive been called that more then ii count on my fingers in one conversation.. why should i have to pay them all by myself.. ur my mother.. u get paid more then the firefighter...its frustrating.. like i choose to go to the hospital.. like i think its fun to have sezures... i shouldnt have to ask for help. so ii dont. ii remember why i left the first time.. it had nothing to do with partying.. why be in a house tryna be treated like a child halfway.. if im gunna hav a curfew, and im gunna go to school, and have chores, then when i need your help,you shouldnt leave me hangin. i pay for school, i pay for my health problems...and im still tryna abide by ur rules?.. this makes no since.. && iim done. shes why i have so many fears in life.. my biggest goal shouldnt be making sure im not pregnant at 20 to prove her wrong.... i hate her. deep disdain... some mother i swear.

she helps me to appreciate the wonderfully amazing people i have in my life, that remind me how important && talented && special ii am everyday.. not that i need n e clarification, but when im constantly in a house filled with animosity and unnecessary confrontation, its easy to forget who i am. and what im worth. ii cant wait to prove her wrong.. and put her ass in a home when she's too old to function.

ii needed a day to myself.. to figure things out.. i get why i love so hard.. i like the feeling and i like being happy. its nice to have someone who loves you back..who can build you up and be there for you when everything isnt okay.. even tho i havnt quite got to the part where u dont act like everythings okay. if i love hard enuff, then maybe the pain wont show thru my eyes. i unno.. my mother analyzes me dailey.. jugdes me with every breath i take..thats why i dont want others to do it to me.. i feel like it will always result in a negative opinion... ..

my chest still hurts...

LoveChild

2009-06-02T19:08:00.000-07:00

ive decided that love will be the death of me... sometimes i feel like im in love alone.. like everything is one big test. im always being analyzed, and jugded.. && ii dont get why.. i just want everything to be okay. i want to be happy.. i want to make the people i love happy.. i guess this is what it feels like when there are no gaurds up.. no anti theft systems over my heart.. ii dont like the feeling that ii could loose the most important thing to me at any point in time. that he could juss change his mind about me.... && i dont like the feeling that im thee only one that knows how important they are to me.. what am i doing wrong?.. im beggining to run out of words.. i love yous arnt good enuff.. that dusnt even begin to explain it..im lossing myself.. . ii cant help wanting to spend every second of every hour of every moment with him... i wuldnt get tired.. bekus..i love to love.. tho this love is new..its what i want.. ii juss dont want to be the only one who wants it as much as ii do.. ..

[side-note]

ii feel lost in liife.. ii need a car (tho ive learned that dusnt fix all life problems).. ii need to focus more on my goals.. and move the fuk out this house... ..

spending my night with fatburger && mtv.. bekus iive jumped on my boyfriends last nerve..

P.S.

2009-05-26T23:05:00.000-07:00

my thoughts wont let me fall asleep... i fear that i am a burden to the people that care about me.. with n e little type of strain on my chest, my air flow stops complelty.. laughing to hard, getting to upset, walking to fast... its getting worse..i cant explain it, its like a stabbing..and a twisting all at once i try to stay optimistic but its hard feeling like i have a 80 pound medicine ball for a heart sumtimes.. i try to stay positive always smiling, making sure everyone else is okay.. forgetting my own well being.. forgetting how sick ii am really capable of getting.. ii dont wanna go back to how i was.. to bedrest, and breathing treatments..saltine crakers.. wut am i , a senior citizen.. thats why i try to always be out enjoying every moment of the life i have, because i secretly feel like, it will be short lived..like my destiny in life is to help uthers with their journey, while i never really make it to my own..my nightmare is always this.. filled with images of loosing people who no longer need me.. always finding sum new soul to shower with love and a since of life...

goodnight world.. for now ii hope

p.s.
fresh out the hospital. good lookin CHRIS! who SAVED MY LIFE!! smh..@ everyone else..

2009-05-22T23:20:00.000-07:00

OLDER THOUGHTS:
not that i know him better then he does.. but i read him better then he knows. i know that things are confusing...life is confusing... i understand what my job is.. its to love him thru it all..the reassurance that evrything will be okay. to just relax, take a breath, and do what makes u happy...love is knowing when to hold in ur private complaints..knowing when to listen... ....

Today

2009-05-21T15:39:00.000-07:00

Guacamole does not cure confusion...or heart aches... neither does TUMS.
Puffs Tissue doesnt stop the tears from soaking my pillows, or fogging up my glasses..
im sitting here in the same place (metaphorically speaking).. wondering what im doing wrong.. waiting to hear the reasoning behind the faulty complaints, and the boundaries that have been given.. a piece of my soul crumbles in silence everytime im pushed away.love can just leave you feeling helpless sometimes... i went to the doctor and they told me my heart was too big for my body, which is what causes the seizures...(a metaphor in so many ways).. as i stood there listening to this lady who new nothing about me break down in tears about how sorry she was for me, and how young i was to have such heart problems... all i thought was..."thee irony"... its more then seizures and brain medication, i thought if anything, love would fix the problem..all problems.. you kno, " love conquers all" . like it puts you in an opptomistic outlook about life... if you have love.. u have everything?.. i thought... apparently god is laughing at me again.. my mind is my worst enemy as i think of the worst possible scenarios.. everything i culd have done right the first time.. how many obama documentary's id be willing to watch after all of this.. kinda like that prayer u pray to GOD and u say" if u get me outta this i swear i wont do it again"... i unno..life seems so stressful. money.health.&& love. this is why i dont hav sex, why i dont lie, why i dont do anything but write... evrything else is so complicated...maybe i shuld just stick to indie musiq && poetry... im tired of hearing how now is not a good time... always barely missing the perfect time to come into sumones life.. theres always growing up that needs to be done, sacrifices that have to made...all at once with no room for me.. ive grown use to not fitting into everyones scheduale... and in turn learned to compromise my feelings, and my schedule for uthers... im done with sorrys, and maybe laters.. im done with everything i thought i knew. im tired && i juss wanna go to sleep.. its the only time you cant feel anything...

KEY WORDS

2009-05-18T21:28:00.000-07:00

ii paused from relationships for a long while.. i had forgotten thee uncontrollable emotions that came with it. the sacrifice, the patience, the understanding, and maturity level that is needed. i have all of those things, im completly capable in loving a man, but am i capable of letting him love me. on sum holy type -ness, i feel like GOD has placed my image of a mann into my hands.. and said here.. uve learned your lesson(s).. ur ready.. he's not ready as much as u, but im giving him to u to strengthen him where he is weak, to help build his heart.. and to build him up and help him grow, away from the things that hinder him as a man, like pride, and jelousy, and insecurites. a women should be able to, if not wash away, then subside those issues. i feel that thee amount of power my heart is capable of giving, hes not ready to recieve it fully.. so out of fear, i ration it off, in sections.. something i feel is earned..the way my mind is and how my heart thinks, i can see things into the future.. i have great optimisim when im in love. willing to sacrifice any and evrything for happieness. ((a curse to me.. ))
ive yet to find how this characterisitc helps me.. im always short changed..left hangin, forgotten about.. i unno.. im always holding back bekus im use to being looked at as weak. its better to not care at all, u dont get hurt that way. but i guess sumone means the most to u when they can make u jusst as vulnerable and angry and hurt u just as easily.. its the trusting that they love you enuff not to. i kno that now.. .i dont wanna be the "wifey" he's not ready for.. i am the reality of what a real girlfriend is. like a long term year round girlfriend.. not a plaything.. or an accerserie that goes good with dinner partys and iphones. here is a man whos every word i cling to, look up too wide eyed like a 6 year old looking up at santa clause.. when you are capable of grabbing that type of attention from any women, she will runn backwards barefoot over mountains and hills ffor u. ..

personal evaluation

2009-05-17T08:54:00.000-07:00

so, i have this predicament im in... there was a time when certain people were placed into my life, and these people belonged there for only one season and i chose to hold on past a fall and a winter.. it wasnt until i let go that i realized the damage they had caused.. its hard to be in a real reltaionship now. its hard to deal with going from someone who is always putting you down, always telling you your not good enough, always asking for money,always walking all over u, always being evrything i didnt need in my life. a little boy does all those things. a man supports you and keeps you happy and is always focused on your well being. and i have that now, so whats the problem?.. im scared. terrifyed of loving someone in the greatest amount that i am capable of. im scared, not that the same thing will happen, but that because of my hesitation and cautiousness, ill push a man that i have easily fallen in love with away. i know this feeling and i love it, but its my biggest fear. bigger then dying,or hospitals, or spiders, or snakes.. its the only thing i cant control, my emotions. i want to spend every moment with him, awake,sleep, in silence.. it dusnt matter. i am my happiest there.. and typed out it sounds alot clearer then my trying to explain my self outloud.. becus outloud, i think that i sound too serious about things.. but i cant help the way i look at stuff.. and then...my issue came, and added more confusion because i didnt even know what i was mad at. every five minutes, it changed. && thats SOOO DUMB!!. over a bird, && then him not paying attention to me in my last moments of the day together.. whut the hell was wrong with me.. its so.. PETTY.. there was no real reason to be maad. juss def. took all the frustration out on him. .. all of this started with a diaper... smh.
i honestly want nothing more then for me to be the reason why hes happy, and secure, and loved. in order for that to happen, ima hav to let my past expierences go. they dont matter because im dealing with a man now.

BETTER THAN:

2009-05-13T14:00:00.000-07:00

1. Rice Crispy Treats

2. Wing Stop

3. Hot Showers

4. CHicken Verde Quesadillas

5. Spell Check

things they dont teach you in SCHOOL!!

2009-05-02T11:57:00.000-07:00

They don't teach you how to love somebody.
They don't teach you how to be famous.
They don't teach you how to be rich or how to be poor.
They don't teach you how to walk away from someone you don't love any longer.
They don't teach you how to know what's going on in someone else's mind.
They don't teach you what to say to someone who's dying.
They don't teach you anything worth knowing.

DEFiNE:

2009-04-23T18:15:00.000-07:00

Territory: a region marked off for administrative or other purposes.
Property: a person regarded as having commercial value.

how do u define a feeling? anger is driving. temper rides shotgun. && displacement && disrespected take the backseat.. i've learned to sit back and listen. instead of running my mouth. the patience i have is non existent. for feeling like i have something to prove. this is exactly why i didnt want this. wrong stares and secret whispers. questions walked away from. what goes on when im not there?, because im clear on things when ii am around. i know what i do, what im capable of. so i leave spaces filled with doubt on the other side..and animosity. and secret warm tears. frustration.. its better then being ignored. thers no such thing as "miss me's"... u can MISS ME wiit that shyt.

i juss wanna go home.. for once.

2009-04-22T18:49:00.000-07:00

ii want to write you a song of neverending i love you's
that let kisses rest on top of fingertips
&& tucks your heart in at night
ii want to listen to your eyelashes
blink with purpose
and forever fullfilment
ii want you to know me

like laugh lines
like ABC's

like Nike signs

like complementary colors

you complement more then

just my nail polish

palms will trace over parts of body parts

like body shops

i can paint you lullabys in the sky

at night

only if you know me

like 911
&& creases in Achilles Tendans

like nsync songs
without the "bye bye bye"
because ii would rather be your hello every morning

homecoming...

2009-04-19T22:52:00.000-07:00

make iit stop
sleepless nights
one song playing over and over again
only one face when ii close my eyes
this is
bigger then butterflies
bigger then report cards
bigger then homecoming
bigger then highschool
WHY DO I FEEL LIKE IM IN HIGHSCHOOL
tongue tied
sweaty palms
wishful thighs that carry
wishful thinking of hiim
in between them
abstinence was so 10th grade
lustful thinking crowds
bones beneath my bra
youve learned to tug at perfectly
shortness of breath reminds me
how much i disliked P.E.
&& how im tired of running
instead ill wait here
for your homecoming

DAY SEVEN.

2009-04-08T22:42:00.000-07:00

ii can love you

beyond all measure

beyond love notes

and away messages

your lips will

remember my name

your eyelashes will

tell me secrets of how

your eyes hold images of me

when

ii am not near

thats how ii know

Seven days would only

make you miss me even more

because you must miss me even more

as you breath in my words that make

those demples show how deep ii can

make you smile

so go ahead and smile

while ii love you into tommorows

iiPROMOTE...

2009-04-08T14:36:00.000-07:00

DROPS TOMORROW!!!

DOWNLOAD AT CallUsUFO.BlogSpot.Com

Click on the cover in the downloads area &&&&& ur good to go.

p.s. ii made the cover...

dear Moms; ii fell iin love wiith a Rapper.

2009-04-01T00:29:00.000-07:00

who you know that can hang wit us. that can handle our level of swagg.
RAPPERS!!
for every metaphor && similie ever wriiten, for every rhyme and every beat ever made and for every scifer.. thiis goes out to you. a litle piece of me wants to sleep inside your pockets, rest against your v-neck, and listen to your heart beat as you spray words that make thighs secretly trimble. biting my lip can only conceal the excitment iim in for so long. for those of you who DO NOT WRITE, & are NOT rythmically inclined... u have NO IDEA how hard it is to put a iiLY ass LiiNE together.. && all of u ii wish get hiit by a bus. Rymes are life. LETERS and WORDS..WITH MUSIC. WORDS MAKE MUSIC. !! DO YOU HEAR ME!! .. U.F.O... WHUDDUP?!.. never a groupie.. but always a fan.(PLUG)

listen to my lesson:
RAPPERS R POETS!! Poets r better lovers.

2009-02-13T18:18:00.000-08:00

.....no words

... juss paiin.

because iim too deep for the world ii liive iin.

2009-02-06T00:08:00.000-08:00

its time for me to move. out of state. then out of country. this world ii hav so far expeirenced is entirely too small for my soul.for my thoughts.my heart has so much more growing to do. ii need to expierence more culture . ii crave blues music && vinyl record players. mp3's and pro tunes make my insides turn. ii want to expierence evrything pure in life. evrything and anything that hasnt been tampered with and messed up by the human race. ii want to stand outside in the rain barefoot, in an open field wearing thin layers with an expensive lace bra underneath. melting wet dirt under my toes. ii want to eat empinadas in a morning cafe along the waters of argentina. ii want to see evrything in paris except the effiel tower.because that iis the biggest cliche ii kno. ii want to fall in love and for once not be hurt my the future and its truth thats been put upon my shoulders . ii want to not think evryday how many wonderful men there are in the world waiting to wrap there hand around my neck and clench my waist juss the way ii crave. ii want someone who is good enuff. ii want to go running in brazil along a canal river. i want to eat tempura shrimp outside of a shoe store in tokyo. ii want to be wanted iin everyway. ii want to wake up to a beach view filled with pinnaples , pilates, && blue pacific margaritas. ii want to hold the world iin my heart. because hands leave spaces..

&& ii changed my mind about you

2009-01-31T22:14:00.000-08:00

your actions do nothing for my soul
but prove my thoughts of losing you to be true
knowing that ii lost you long ago
when ii lost my heart && mind
placed them in your hands
ii felt your rare words of apology
run through me
cold sweats at night from
sleeping with the enemy
leaving the spaces in between your sentences
filled with doubt
caution
so with caution i must say
that i can not stay
and play
this game with you any longer
ii needed to be loved out loud
this secret love
this silent treatment
your not proud
to have me
so you hide my love
in your pockets
but still they over flow
everyone knows your flooding
run and hide
i wont search for your truth
i want it willingly
handed to me
ii wanted you to love me outloud
because your actions havent said much either.

Because ii wasnt born with enuff middle fingers...

2009-01-27T18:56:00.000-08:00

My pen sings my cries

It strikes my enemies

Loves my lovers

And dreams my dreams

It conducts music

In rhythm and rhyme

Of everything I feel inside

And if anything I feel collides

With what others see

I try not to hide

How much of me has died

As a sacrifice

From yielding to the will of my pen

Exposing all of my sin

The torture of my soul

For the lack of words to explore

Feeding comfort to the empty soul

Feeling nothing I can’t express

And expressing everything I feel

Leaving nothing in my chamber

but fist balled up in anger

OUCH.I have lost myself again.

2009-01-06T01:37:00.000-08:00

HELP. ii hav done it again.
ii have been here many times before.
HURT. myself again today.
&& the worst part is theres noone else to
BLAME.

ii could smell the flames seeping from under the door. the pain ii caused could make saitins bottom lip trimble. hearts cave in as thought processes are ran through like tape decs. mistakes now replace stability and truth with questions and no solutions. evrything feels like a lost cause. eyes turn coal black. hatrid for the one he loves. you should know how much you love someone before you lose them. lessons will be learned. regrets will be had. lifes will be changed. images. you held me and my heart at the same time. balanced perferctly on your tippy toes. sorry to have tripped you with my reckless actions and selfish thinking. Titles SOUND better then words. but actions speak louder then both of them. my chest aches in so many ways on so many levels. my elbows knock. cold. numb. breathless. my luckless romance has brought me a mirror to eat for dinner. swallow the truth. figure yourself out before you push away the last thing keeping you balanced... im at a lost for words. my heart has been ripped out. everything goes blank. and when you find your self on your hands and knees screaming at the top of your lungs how much you care... it is then , when they look directly past you.. one final tear until nothing but dry cheeks and rusty eyelashes are left in those eyes are nothing. no thoughts. no nothing of you anymore. everything erased. its is on your hands and knees, at your lowest most desperate point that you will realize he is your mirror. and you kan now see almost too clearly the person you have become. and the pain youve caused because of it. and that is the biggest regret in life. it hurts when you loose yourself. but the worst pain of all is when you find yourself. you loose the person who helped find you. you loose your everything.. its alot worse once you do find yourself. ..

these thiings ii hav learned.

08 SECRETS....

2008-12-10T03:12:00.000-08:00

CAN YOU KEEP A SECRET?...

"ii feel like i just got the wind knocked outt of me. you can not make someone love you but i thought that if you loved someone with your entire being, then maybe.they would catch on. what can i say. i am thee truest sucker for love. and to be honest with myself and the rest of the world..sex was prolly the issue...sex is just another symbol of the love you share with someone... so maybe that was the issue to begin with.. like so many other things.. i rushed into love.. and found myself in love alone. i am juss like my mother.. always chasing after those little boys..i couldnt even tell you what i want in a man, for the simple fact ive never had one ..i dont even know how to be alone.. let alone be with someone else.. giving all of my emotions was the first mistake. now i understand why trust is earned. you cant trust someone to take care of your heart when they've done nothing to prove they are worthy of it.. i cant even love him from a distance now. everything juss needs to be cut off. because right now i cannot imagine life without him.. he was my let out from the rest of my world. so i need to progress with my life and learn to live alone. i need to learn how and when to say no. niceness does not get you far in this world. cold hearted women prosper alot faster in life i have come to find. he will become another reason for my frustration . another mistake that i made. and within the few minutes i have expierenced this.. i am already begining to find the things i could have done diffrently. what happen to give and you shall recieve. thats bullshyt. a man is what is needed.. and since i cringe at the the thought of any form of relationship. i know that these days will be lonely for a long while. my accomplishments will keep me warm."

2008-12-05T02:22:00.000-08:00

Love will be the death of me. Ive ran from it so many times, and as soon as i stopped to catch a breath, i lost sight of what i was running from.... looking back at the things i cannot change, i see things that couldnt have been avoided. every action that could have been diffrent would have led to the same outcome. i have fate to thank for that. but fate does not keep sheets warm, and there is no bed big enough to love myself in. ive already tryed that. unless someone can mend me some waterproof covers, my tears will continue to soak matching pillowcases. i wear my heart on my shoulder, directly ontop of the rest of my world. like so many things before this moment, it shall pass, but these seconds could not be moving any slower. these minutes could not be counted any quicker, and these days could not be more painful. its alot easier to sit and wonder how life would be "IF" things were different. an "adult" would take responsibilty for the mistakes made, instead of continuing to run && hiide from them. but where am i suppose to start when theres 19 years of built up emotions. am i suppose to juss pick a random number like 3. the year my mom left my nana to raise me for my entire childhood...

.... its hard to imagine the things that people go through. we are lied to everyday when someone is polite and asks us how were doiing, and we reply were fine. when really we cant make rent, our car was towed, and we have a sibling in the hospital. i take part in these lies everyday. and i know that i do it because whos really trying to listen to my sad ass sob story, when they have one of there own. this is a selfish world and the people in it are even crueler.
i sometimes walk with closed eyes afraid to see people for what they really are. id rather put trust in someone who will trade me in for a new pair of shoes, then to stand anywhere alone. that must say something about my charachter.. how weak-willed i must be for refusing to spend any moment of my life alone.. and in silence. because if love is not the death of me, then silence will suffocate my soul. it leaves the mind to wonder, and allows my fingers to type these unbairable issues that stain my smile.

time does not heal anything. and you cannot juss "let things tho". my father is dead, i cant just "let it go". i have to live with that shit. u let go gettin your phone stolen, or loosing a pair of earings. you dont let go death and people doiing you fucked up who are suppose to be your family. family does not mean blood. ive learned that too soon in life. if anything the people who are yur blood will do you wrong faster than your next door neighbor.

THEY LiiiiiiEN'!! LOL.

2008-10-29T14:21:00.001-07:00

Your Birthdate: August 22

You tend to be understated and under appreciated.

You have a hidden force to do amazing things, doing them your own way.

People may see you as strange and shy, but they know little.

Your unconventional ways have more power than they (and even you) know.

Your strength: Standing up for what you know is true

Your weakness: You tend to be picky and rigid

Your power color: Silver

Your power symbol: Square

Your power month: April

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

2008-10-26T15:35:00.001-07:00

Die
To dream that you die in your dream, symbolizes inner changes, transformation, self-discovery and positive development that is happening within you or in your life. Although such a dreams may bring about feelings of fear and anxiety, it is no cause for alarm and is often considered a positive symbol. Dreams of experiencing your own death usually means that big changes are ahead for you. You are moving on to new beginnings and leaving the past behind. These changes does not necessarily imply a negative turn of events. Metaphorically, dying can be seen as an end or a termination to your old ways and habits. So, dying does not always mean a physical death, but an ending of something.
On a negative note, to dream that you die may represent involvement in deeply painful relationships or unhealthy, destructive behaviors. You may feeling depressed or feel strangled by a situation or person in your waking life. Perhaps your mind is preoccupied with someone who is terminally ill or dying. Alternatively, you may be trying to get out of some obligation, responsibility or other situation.
To see someone dying in your dream, signifies that your feelings for that person are dead or that a significant change/loss is occurring in your relationship with that person. Alternatively, you may want to repress that aspect of yourself that is represented by the dying person.

&& ii promise you. iit wont happen again.

2008-10-22T01:54:00.000-07:00

to whom it may concern:

ii do entirely way too much for you. i place ur problems before my own. ii give you money, love, && affection at a moments notice.. rule number one: no man should ever have his hand out to a women. point blank. and ii support you, but ii kant continue to support u if u wont even support yourself. no job, no car, no realistic obtainable goals?? I'm not saying you cant be a rapper, or play ball, or own your own fortune 5 company.. I'm saying what are you doing to move forward?.. to progress in your dreams? nothing but holding your hand out to me. ...its not even about me being obviously almost better off without you.its a different thing when you need moral support, or a sense of stability. that I'm hear for.but don't take advantage of my kindness. don't take it for a weakness, and certainly don't think i wont catch on. Ive milked so many niggas, i should own a fucking cow ranch.what benefit are you in my life, when all your doing is taking up space, energy && my precious time. you make little to no efforts to show your appreciation. can anigga get a thankyou.. I'm sure you hear this part everyday.. but "your young and you have your entire life to fail and make decisions." you still have allot of growing up to do. but ii am not your mother. ii refuse to work 2 jobs to put money into a little boys pocket especially when its not benefiting him nor me... "dick is free.. pussy costs money"...juss know that. the stage im at in my life, im transitioning into women hood, i have an entire life of my own to deal with..ii cant carry the weight of your world on my shoulders. if i wanted a child i would have had one. im only 19, and while im growing and learning, and experiencing the best and worst things about life, i dont have the time nor patience to carry a really cute life size paper weight with me wherever i go..by that, i mean you need to be without me. you need to grow up and become a man, and you cant do that if your always relying on me. i cannot love you anymore then the person standing next to me at a bus stop. u have completely distorted my way of thinking.. all becus you caught me off guard in my weakest moment of life... && i promise you it wont happen again.

dear reader.

2008-10-17T03:26:00.000-07:00

My world is angry && cold
Alone and left to sleep with misery
Bed bugs no longer enjoy the taste of my sheets
Without your sent my blankets are just
Blank memories
Id get up && go but
my shoes don’t like my socks
my heart and feet think alike
cripple && inconsistent
i just need a hug
hold me tightly
&& dont let go
until my pain falls into your pockets

-tay

MIRRORED MISERIES

2008-10-13T00:50:00.000-07:00

im really trying to figure out whats wrong with me.. i always played around.. like yea.. sure, i hav issues.. but i reallly do. pain is alot deeper then the word. indescribable && unbearable iis what i walk around feeling. like when you use all your energy crying for a long period of time, yelling, and screaming, and panting.. and then the after effects are feeling drained, unaccomplised, and tired... thats how my days are. i wake up mad that i even had to wake up, and then my whole day is filled with fatigue, and bitterness. i sumtimes wish i kuld juss stay sleep forever.. i dropped out of college.. (for the semester).. ii sleep all day until i have work.. and my nights consist of going where ever the wind blows. i find it hard to sleep alone. so i dont sleep until 4, 5 , sometimes 6 in the morning.. and thats my cycle.. ive decided to take some time away from the world... im gunna be my own dissapearing act. and for the next 2 weeks, im juss gunna go... and be.. ive come to the conclusion that god hates me. whoever he is.. he's decided it was a mistake to give me happiness. the little moments i have to laugh, or smile.. im quickly reminded of every reason not to smile. . i dunno whut to do any more.. drinking && partying, dusnt cover up misery. i hav to look at myself evryday in the mirror, and everyday i see all the coverups writinn on my forehead. i know that i have alot wrong in mylife, and im young, so its okay.. but i guess.. my problem was asking for help... the few people that are lucky enuff to kno whut im going thru... those r the people i truly kare about.. and its only for them that im seeking this help..because ive given up on prayers and birthday wishes..

....

2008-10-07T03:55:00.000-07:00

ii find it hard to sleep alone at night. having another person next to me gives me a since of security.. when alone.. it leaves my mind to wonder.. to replay the painful process my life is currently going thru. i try to water it down with drunken nights && lots of sex..(to be blunt).. my worries crowd my mind.. but only when alone. silence is my worst enemy..silence is awkward and is like a mirror.. leaving you with no jokes , no background music. just you and your thoughts.. i try to stay focused on the things i need to do to move foward in life.. but patience couldnt be n e harder if i had to stand on clouds to achieve it.. everything seems to be in slow motion. almost loosing my grandmother... paying bills.. REAL bills.. RENT money is no joke. all these things woke up me.. but iit makes me want to run away from adult hood even more. it doesnt hurt when i sleep. .. its when i wake up and things are no diffrent... i hope that this is all worth it. surrounding myself with people that care about me is all thats getting me thru each day.. goodnight world.

some days your the pigeon && somedays ur the statue.

2008-09-24T08:19:00.001-07:00

im trying to figure out who i am. meaning, in a deeper way..... now that i have so much freedom, i dont know where to begin.. compared to all the rest of my friends, ii have so much catching up to do..endless partying, getting tatted at a moments notice, splurging on kiks, klothes, and juggling the tendas.. is this who i am, or how i deal with my pain.. ?. my rebelliousness, is becoming a bit careless... i thought i was more then that. ii find myself hurting people more often..quick to spout out how i feel, having less patience, and becoming easily frustrated..(not with friends.. with the tendas i mean.) i use to be so quick to want to love, and to see the good in all people..none of that runs thru my mind anymore.im the words written on paper about love gone wrong.. i cant picture myself in a real relationship, let alone married. i no longer want children.. ill just stick with a cat... and im sure my ways will make me really really really papered up.. for their wont be any distractions...but as i deal with each love story individually, but in unison, im still stuck in the background of my own story. as many people their are willing to put up with my shyt, and fight for my love.. id still feel alone in the world. ive left so many choices, so many possibilities.. i dont know which way to turn to. i feel like, this is when i need my gurls.. when ive always needed my gurls. they are my family. my guidance. my everything... everyone has their own separate lives, and while ammo has her baby, gabby has her SF Lifestyle, and Erin has her..Ron. lol, all i have are late nights, early mornings, and bottled up aggression.. oh.. and the tendas.. but theyre becoming accessories for me. like earrings.. each one for a different occasion.eye candy used for dinner partys or shopping sprees.. i unno.. just some thoughts.ii gotta go blow my noze now.

_slowpoke'

thought process..

2008-09-18T08:51:00.000-07:00

his lips tasted like tobbaco
sweet && sinful

he made my body forget about allergic reactions

completly aware of the lies that were told

the secrets we'd hold

we knew this was love

only sometimes...

my definition of love must be diffrent with each guy i come into contact with. i will respect a man, but these hoes get no love. at first i thought that i was the one growing with each conversations, or movie date... but ive noticed that its completly the opposite, and it always has been.. im the one that guys run too because im the "stable" type.. the financial stability, the therapist, the sense of responsibily.. something representing maturity.. im tired of being a safe haven.. a place to run to.. the "wifey" type.. i understand that thats a very respectable title... but damn.. ii juss wanna kik it.. without all the obligation.. so much pressure.. its npot even like i put myself in these situations.... not all the tyme... i juss cant help but hav a diffrent dude for diffrent reasons.. my goal is to find ONE with most if not all, and i hav yet to come across that.. and until i do, im struck juggling several diffrent but all very fake relationships.. all held together by false promises and lustful thinking..

_SLOWPOKE'

iintermisson..

2008-09-17T00:43:00.000-07:00

hi.

my name is taylor.

im homeless.

im broke.

im tatted.

iim FREE.

save me from myself.

2008-07-15T10:26:00.000-07:00

ii went to church for the first time in months.. to my suprise ii find people pregnant. let me just say that ii strongly hate the world ii liive in. ii hate what we as a people have become. the materialistic ways of the world. there is so much more to life then sex, drugs, tats, and "Ghost ridin the whip"... i cant help but get caught up in the funn of it all, and the more my personal issues grow thicker, the more ii run away from them and into the things that help them all go away. the only time ii dont feel alone is when im phsyically engaged in someone else. someone who can distract my attention, someone who isnt a constant reminder of the failure that ii am.. im so lost in my life riight now. (as far as skool is concerned).. im all talk no show. im the bes bullshyter ever. but thers nothing left to bullshyt bekus u cant bullshyt 3 F's, about to be 4. u kant bullshyt academic probation. u kant smile and say evrything is okay. i miight as well be a prego.. no burden is bigger then the next.. ii juss hope the one ii carry everyday, is actually fixable.

Fathers Day

2008-06-16T09:29:00.000-07:00

another reminder of the void ii hold in my heart. .

the older ii become the more frustrating i find it that my father is not in my life, and its not even as if that decision was by choice. out of all the guys ive ever been with, only ONE, has been without his REAL father in his life, and even then, they were still in contact. dudes that ii hav talked to have always had a since of stability, living with both there birth parents. its true that a child who has both there parents in there life kan turn out juss as fuked up as one without them, but its less likely. there actions towards me have always been on point.. filled with affectionate, and understanding no matter what. its wiierd.. maybe im rambling here, but ive noticed that the measur of a man is usually through what he was taught growing up, which also has to do with my strong emotional bond that i have with each person i hav come into contact wiith. i recently found out that the dude im "with" at the moment, his older brother was basically my dads best friend named his record company after him && evrything.. i went on to further find out that all of his freinds, were my dads friends, and his wife dated my father..it trully is a small world, and i think the main reason i find my self drawn to this 17 year old yung mann who still has plenty of growing and maturing.. is becus i find closure and comfort knowing in a small way he was connected to my father.. some days i feel that im going to have to cut this little woo-day off, but ii hold him tighter each time i see him. i lay on his chest and fall asleep on him, thinking of my dad, and how things would have been... id like to say that i love this boy, but i feel that im using him for personal gain, not to feel a void, but to clarify that ii once had a father.. i also find myself slipping even farther away from my faith in god and my religion in general.. i dont want to believe in anything, i just want to live my life, and question all authority, which is the stage im at in my life. a rebel in all careless ways, ive defained my family relationships, mainly out of jelousy for my babysistter, and the absolute resentment i hav for my mother.. i feel as if evrything is her fault, shes the reason im like this, shes the reason my dad left her..she chased him away with her forceful and overly dominent nature..she pushed him away, like shes doing me...apart of me wants to call myself a lier, but ii really feel this way deep down inside..evrything is so confusing riight now, so overly fuked up...i feel that i have no one to run to, to lay with and fall asleep with, to make evrything in my world just go away..no one except for hiim ..he's the only person i feel is always there, on my time, and never tells me no, and though we dont talk as deeply as i do on my blog, we dont have to..evrything is implied..

-SlowPoke

not a problem child, just a child with problems..

2008-06-03T10:24:00.000-07:00

someone told me that when your absolutley fed up with whatever it is your going thru, then youll stop making excuses for reasonsto keep yourself in that same position.im beyond fed up. with everything.im especially titred of being treated like a child/ prisoner in my supposedly own "home".. evryone who knows me, knows all the situations ive been thru with my mother, and all of the sneaking around to be a teenager ii had to do.. and evryones salution was "just leave"..and now ii think its tiime. 2 jobs and school wuldnt bother mer at all. id rather be broke, tired and happy, then unhappy, tired, and still broke... these issues are way deeper then arguments about scholarships and not being able to go out an dparty when ii want. iim overly done.. ii have no fear of her, or n e one else for that matter. iim alot diffrent then a year ago. ii need to do me. because trying to "respect the houshold". isnt getting me n e where. iif ii dont go to hampton, im moving out. end of story. im packing all my shyt, and one day very soon, im gunna leave. this is my yer of rebellion, where evrything ive supresed against my mother is coming out.

-SlowPoke.

the truth..

2008-05-29T14:20:00.000-07:00

iits hard to concentrate with u reading over my shoulder.

today = horrible
the only good thing about my day was hangin wiith Mr. Cooper. iive always wondered why certain people come in and out of your liife at the times they do. there iis no one that ive purposley placed around me, but ii willingly remove many.. ..iit wasnt until ii stepped into the house that ii realiized how long id been gone, and how much ii had missed. ii felt badd for being away so long... and iit makes me want to b that way again even more ii think. iim curious to see what an older, more expeirenced, and mature version of ourselves would be liike together.. we still seem to know each other..and id assume there wuld be less arguments... theres more tension then n e thing... is there such thing as a second first kiss?..lol. till this day, ii can say ive never loved n e one as hard as hiim..and its not that im holding on, ii just never really let go. iit has nuthing to do wiith the history, but that dus help. to see someone change and grow into the person they are iis amazing to me. as much of an idiot he is, its kool to be able to have a serious conversation when needed. iim just anxious to see whut this will result iin..

-SlowPoke'

[PERiiOD]...

2008-05-28T11:55:00.000-07:00

the grossest most worst thing to me is to wake up and realize that Ive started my periiod. it puts a damper on my entire day. we wear diapers when were little, diapers when were teens, and diapers when were old. its so frustrating. iits more inconvenient then n e thing.. evrything hurts, and the one day ii feel like going swimming, ii cant....

evrythiing hurts.

cramps... so fukk off.

-SlowPoke

ive come to realize

2008-05-15T13:03:00.000-07:00

ii tend to hold them to a certain standard. high expectations usually. but once someone distorts that image that ii have of them, and there "true's" come out.. ii tend to stray away from them. ego-centric people, have never gotten far with me. its okay to be focused on goals in life, but there is a certain way for everything to be handled.FOR XAMPLE, ii would never walk into something that ii myself wasnt ready for. and in recent occasions, i have found this a frequent problem..i have the chance to once again be with someone who at one point was all that really mattered to me, this person fits into me perfectly..but moms aint haviin it. and ii wanna be able to be with this person, when ii have full control of evrything..when ive reached full adult hood if u will.. ii want to go into it making sure theres no room for mistakes. because ii feel like THIS TIME, if it dusnt work out...there is no 3rd chance..there can only be one intermission....but with the other person..things are very convient,and of course, moms wuldnt hav it n e uther way...but iim juss so off him. what was broken can not be regained.. my respect level in a way has gone down, and thers more of a resentment...like a lost friendship, that is now trying to be forced backtogether. kisses dont mean n e thing to me anymore. neither do hugs, or deep stares. ive recently become a less forgiving person..and when i do forgive, its very hard to forget..because all ii see iis the bad that happend..

-SlowPoke'

2008-05-13T10:38:00.000-07:00

DEAR GABBY!!
I LOVE YOU! IN THE MOST HOMO-iiST WAY..
ii ddnt realize that u didnt do n e thing at all for ur "suppose to be birthday weekend.."
u went to church..LMAO..and ii had strep throat..im sorry ii wasnt even allowed to come out my room, let alone a short bus ride to ur always filled refrigerator..
WE'LL BE MAKING UP FOR THAT when u come back. u wuldnt believe how many cupcakes ii had n honur of u.

NEXT ORDER OF BiiZ-NAZZ!!

though only a handful of people are aware of my recent adventures with certain person(s), let me just say, that it has been well worth it. what keeps my pimp hand strong?..(when SLIM is unavailable)listeing to TRINA, but not once she fell in love..im talkin diamond princess, back when she was all about getting head and takin they money.she fell in love, and fell off. yet another example of why ii cringe at the sound of a relationships. id like to openly request that ii shuld be aloud to reap the benifts of having a boyfriend, without dealing with the consequences of compromise..id like the affection without the obligation. and in recent events i seem to stumbled on just that. so i find myself happy and content.....BUT..is it wrong to treat others the same way, when the others are those u were once in a "committed" relationship with?..when you shared a diffrrent outlook on love, that u do now?. its not that im trying to string n e one along... but it seems when things are going the way im most comfortable, here comes my past trying to "give it another go".....

“to tell u ii love you, would be admitting defeat”

2008-05-06T21:11:00.000-07:00

Its okay to love people. And I do love people. Everyone that ii don’t block on aim. Ii love them, just some more then others. When dealing with .”POTENTIALS”, if u will, Ii feel that to a certain extent the words “I love you”, should be held back. They should be swallowed by all means necessary..by telling a man those 3 words, is to sign over all rights of freedom && attachment. ii can love someone and not even have to be in a relationship with them..but ii duobt the person ii am now, wuld allow me to tell them that..Men don’t deserve to feel important...not right away n e way.Ii can name 3 people that ii wuld do about n e thing for.. and they give me a slight hope for my future ex husband..hell, all 3 of them will prolly be my future ex husbands.The moral of this very incomplete story: I love being able to hold love iin.

"a real piimp. can piimp wit her hands stilll in her pockets" _SLIM

2008-05-06T20:43:00.000-07:00

Mommy you looking like
I’m just another guy
That came to check it
That came to wreck it
No disrespect but mommy that’s correct
Cause what’s in them jeans just got my mind hectic
I can see that you’re feeling my Fashion
Is it cause im flashing or is it this cash that’s just
Way too reckless or is it this necklace
Wait let me interrupt myself with this message (see)

(Chorus)
I don’t wanna be loved, I don’t wanna be loved
I just want a quickie
No bite marks no scratches and no hickies
If you can get with that mommy come get with me
I don’t wanna be loved, I don’t wanna be loved
I just want a quick fix up in your mix miss
Send me your wish list, I’ll have you addicted
So mommy come hit this

Mommy I realize that I’m mannish
Speak the language of love like Spanish
(Speaking Spanish) I’m so obscene and ya know what I mean
Yeah sorry that was Portuguese and I speak with ease…please…
Get on them knees
I got a penny for your thoughts if you know what I mean

(Chorus)
I don’t wanna be loved, I don’t wanna be loved
I just want a quickie no bite marks no scratches and no hickies
If you can get with that mommy come get with me
I don’t wanna be loved, I don’t wanna be loved
I just want a quick fix up in your mix miss
Send me your wish list, I’ll have you addicted
So mommy come hit this

(Hook)
Don’t be offended babe by what I say
It’s just a game
And how I play
pilige & plunder
call me ya plumber
Knock on this wood get rocked by this thunder
(repeat hook)

(Chorus)
I don’t wanna be loved, I don’t wanna be loved
I just want a quickie no bite marks no scratches and no hickies
If you can get with that mommy come get with me
I don’t wanna be loved, I don’t wanna be loved
I just want a quick fix up in your mix miss
Send me your wish list, I’ll have you addicted
So mommy come hit this

WERE EVEN KASEY!!

2008-05-06T19:40:00.000-07:00

2008-04-23T09:54:00.000-07:00

NiiGGAS AiiNT SHYT BUT HOes && TRiiCKS!!

damn. where is ma Girl SLIM when ii need her to stand on the side of me, rollin her eyes, givin that long drawn out TRILLLLLL... my frustrastions with the opposite sex go beyond the visible. niggas is bitches.. seriously. this dude ASSUMED we were talking... first of all .. dont assume shyt. if i didnt say it then it aint whut it is. && then dont go ask one of my uther hoes if im talkin to them...wtf. who r u .just tottally fukin up my rotation wit yo cockblockiin asssssss.. SMC is HIGHSCHOOL... so childish.

SlowPoke'

2008-04-21T19:26:00.000-07:00

My name is Taylor

aka Taybayb

aka Slowpoke

aka Tayezzi

aka taygame

aka Deez

Im an age yung. i live in Inglewood, with my wack ass parent. im in grade 13. i dont play sports. i dont even run to the bus.i love sweet treats and i think the air taste like brocclie. my weirdness goes beyond imagination. im crazy. im smart/college bound. im very deep. im quick to block a bitch on aim/myspace. i dont care whut others think of me. i do alot of stuff u wouldnt do. i appear dumb as fuck but im bright. im off lil wayne but i still listen to him. im thee only black person who doesnt smoke refer. im the only person in america who dusnt own an ipod. my sidekick has sadly become my life.. Im random. im competitive reguarding things that interest me. im very opinionated and think the way i think and let people think they way they think therefore i can give a fuck about u. im very nonchalant. im loyal to my friends. i love my hoes. im kinda dramatic. i love food. i like rude people.

Update on today...

PINKBERRY IS DISGUSTING && iin my opinion tastes like llAMA MILK.

to whom iit may concern:

2008-04-18T18:56:00.000-07:00

documenting cycles of life
on paper with ink filled emotions
historically,
new to the art of me
paintbrush strokes of images sweet like u
expressing the art passionately,
scenario similar to the past
all but perfectly
heart crushed by objects
like bouncing balls
filled with goals
that cant be obtained
while holding my soul
in your shooting hand
except theres this hope
this unwritten conclusion
will seem to end differently...
confirm the illusion of feelings masked
by innocent
matched with innocence
leaving temptation and fear
masters of destruction
and love way to far behind
with this new found ammunition
with old wants for such end to the reign of lonely living
ready for attack I stand
open
bulls eye
on my chest
targeted for all u have to give to me
wishing no harm on either soul
jus imprints mentally
detaching my leaving from existence
maneuvering my linguistics to include u in every sentence
and happy after it
flipping back pages of past entries
rewriting poems to include
the second coming
yet I never had thought of such ever occurring
and so these words work perfectly
creating dreams from misery
only to rework mysteriously...
and so u have read pages inside
leaving me speechless and blank
and we write chapters alike
connecting us despite whatever road we may take
continuing to scribe words on my mind
with your inner heart
I have found solace in your sun set
even when its dark
attempting to document this moment
in more than a text message
capture this feeling
from more than u will ever believe me
wishing u understood all u are teaching me
and so I stand wide open
for comfort
setting barriers for pain
ignoring I am leaving
wishing u here
not far and between
on a distant land walking on top of hearts
streaming the city
searching for artistic influence
ready to adapt words
attach emotions and feelings
documenting your history
all I hope is it includes me.
Presently
futuristicly
Sometime in between
.........................................................PAY ATTENTION WHEN YOU READ MY SOUL

TRUTH.
expressing the art passionately,
scenario similar to the past
all but perfectly
heart crushed by objects
like bouncing balls
filled with goals
that cant be obtained
while holding my soul
in your shooting hand
LIES.
Love Conquers All

MIDGETS ARE VICIOUS PEOPLE

2008-04-10T00:07:00.000-07:00

ii really hav this strong belief that at niight when im in my deepest sleep, a midget comes and beats the shyt out of me.. this past week, ive woken up soar as fuck. && i rarely curse..but dammit this shyt hurts.. last night i woke up with a swollen eye, and today i feel like sumone was playin hopscotch on my collarbone.. this seems to make more since then to want to imagein me giving myself the asswoopin of my life. lol i kno im laughin, as u all are too, but this is no joke guys.. i gotta catch these little shyt fuks in action... anywho... its like 12 and im icing my right side...talkiin to Paulie about how she shuld name her blog..Paulie dusnt want a craker... funny riight?.. i kno.. i krak myself up sometimes.. n e ways.. i come bak to LA 2marro, and i already have several chill sessions lined up .. people dont miss my ass until im gone.. whutever thats about. im scared to go to sleep... not bekus its dark, or i just saw a scary movie..but bekus i know these fukers are waitin on me..

-SlowPoke

TAYLOR MADE..

2008-04-09T02:14:00.000-07:00

this spring break so far has been very...enlightening. ii have some new favorite people in my life, who have quietly taught me some things about myself..the world is full of sin && superficial-ness.. to be OLD in the world of youths eyes, I'm still filled with an innocence, a purity that i know is rare to see in most women of this millennium.so.. am ii a women yet?..bekus i dont look at sex as a feel good inspiration,and because i dont do drugs, not because im allergic,but because i dont like how it smells,tastes,or feels...is a women aloud to be a women w/o being able to walk in heels?..and w/o letting a man pay for her?..my self awarness is overlooked as being immature..yes im a big kid who wears converse and still watches cartoons...but i dont need to shake my ass and wear tight clothes in order to feel validated by anyone..let alone a man who cant listen to what im saying because his eyes and ears are focused on if my legs are going to speak to him. i assume things about people just like everyone else..but shuld i feel guilty for standing out in my baggy cargo shorts in a line full of well figured women who only care about the ways of the world...pain can bring a person a long way..my reason for not believing in real relationships, for not wanting to grow up..its easier to worry about school, and whats for dinner..instead of GERMS..like std's and who ELSE youve been kissing on. and its not even fear that makes me who i am..i just cant help wanting to live a longer life, and wanting to hav meaning for each intimate relationship im in...today i get what my name means now..its fits my identity completly. taylor made,..kinda like made to fit only one...i dont think n e one else could be as awesome as ii am while liiving in this world, with the beliefs that i strongly hold to heart.

-SlowPoke'

Food For Thought.

2008-04-07T18:41:00.001-07:00

randomness

2008-04-03T10:26:00.000-07:00

Words Not in Dictionary

ACCORDIONATED (ah kor' de on ay tid) adj. Being able to drive and refolda road map at the same time.

AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn thebathtub faucet on and off with your toes.

DIMP (dimp) n. A person who insults you in a cheap department store byasking, "Do you work here?"

DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy youdropped on the floor by blowing on it, somehow assuming this will 'remove' all thegerms.

PETOPHOBIC (peh toe fo' bik) adj. One who is embarrassed to undress infront of a household pet. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number andforgetting whom you were calling just as they answer

IGLY-Uglyer then Ugly.......damn

TAcO CELEBRATION...

2008-04-01T22:42:00.000-07:00

PASSED MY PERMIT TEST..

THE FIRST TIME..(cough cough..BURG)..

Taco celebration was wonderful..im stuffed..

-night night....SlowPoke'

WHY ii WACH TE VE

2008-03-31T20:22:00.000-07:00

FURNITURE:

CELL PHONES:

Alcohol:

Religion:

SUPER SAUCED..

2008-03-30T20:59:00.000-07:00

ii dunno whu time it is...but its dark outside.. i can barely see the letters on the keybored, kus they keep moving.. ii think that ii hav the lowest tolerance for alko-hol..either that, or i just had a straight white cup of vodka... im coherent , but super buzzed. everything is funny right now.. this is why i dont smoke, i kan only image the things id be going thru. im with the fam, which makes it all baddd. theyre outside hittin blunts, and me and ma kussin are drinkin vodka and cranberry.. i mean, damn, all i had was one cup...SO FAR...

slooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooowPOKE....

pain is beauty

2008-03-29T09:58:00.000-07:00

ii didnt start getting cavities until after i got my braces... my mouth hurts, and its hard to talk,smile,laugh,or move the left side of my face in any way..they are gettin a kik out of this at my house....now i hav to go get surgery to get all my wisdom teeth pulled out...its hard tryna be cute, let me just say.. i look a hot mess, let me just say..id take a pikture to show u, but that embarresment wont be nessery..if u need a good laugh, call me on my house phone.. lol.

damn, i thought once i got ma braces off id b straight... of course not. its never that simple for me.

i was suppose to take my drivers test on thursday..went all the way there, and left my birth certificate at home...BURNT ASS MISSION.

-SlowPoke'

CONFRENTATION WITH tha FAKE FATHER FIGURE...

2008-03-25T19:41:00.001-07:00

MOMS iiS ON MY SiiDE...

BOUT TYME....

-SlowPoke'

NOTE TO SELF:

2008-03-24T20:11:00.000-07:00

Kiqqed iit with Gabby…

Chunto Mamma…

almost burnt missiion...

she got tatted…

(DANK) lol

II realized today, that ii like (BLANK) a lot more then ii thought ii did. his personality is bomb. His lips are bomb.and he makes me laugh..hes a cutiepie… but ii must learn to remind myself, that its just that. ii can tell right away if there is a potential future with someone from one conversation, and ii pretty much only talk to those ii c myself with. I rarely find someone, but when ii do, ii cant help but want that connection with them… im trying to figure out how to like someone for who they are, and enjoy there company, without being emotionally involved. I think that maybe I should break it down like “dude, I like you a lot and stuff, annd i enjoy spendin time with u, I juss like you as a person and your company”…and to me, when I meet someone who is kool or sumthin, I tend to put foorth a lot of attention into them on given days… LIKE PAULINA FOR EXAMPLE,OR PAUL… when me and Paulina got back into contact, like I pretty much try and spend as much available time with her as I can, because I learn new things from her, shes funn..like thers a hype to our frendship..lol bkus this is someone I don’t c everyday, who ive known all my life, but not known at all… and Paul, like when he came out here, and we were talking, I saw him everyday accept once the entire week he was out here. it was the HYPE...Is that wrong?... I mean, I think maybe the mistake I make is that, I spend my time braking my neck for others…people in general, and I think that people like people who are assholes, and men want women who seem unavailable… dus that make since?.. n e ways… ive decided that though this relationship thing is for me, the rest of the world isn’t ready for it, so maybe I shuld just let it go.. becus like everyone else seems to be saying, IM YOUNG…I hav my whole life to fall in love and be tied down…and where I am now, ive had so many failed relationships. so im pretty much done with tryna be wifed up. I can love harder then anyone I kno..but im tired of hurting just as hard… …I will love every wonderful dude I come across prolly to pieces becus its more of an appreciation type of deal….but i doubt ii can be "in love" for a whiiiiiiile...just kus i kno whut its like, and for me its like a drug or sumthing...i turn into someone else... so im off love for now...but ii can get down with some infatuation, maybe a little lust within reason..

SlowPoke'.

iiF u WANNA GET AWAY FROM THE WORLD...

2008-03-22T21:55:00.000-07:00

THEN LISTEN TO MY SPEAKERS..

M.I.A.-Hit That

Uffie- Hot Chick

M.I.A.-Paper planes

Justice-D.A.N.C.E

G Love & the Special Sauce- Baby Got Sauce

G Love & The Special Sauce- Booty Call

Justice-Valentine

Millionares-Up In My Bubble

Millionares-I Like Money

Paulie, ii got madd respect for u and this musiq.and im gladd u got me into itt.. im not all hardcore with iit, but i can definetky get down with the down tempo stuff with the harder knockiin beats... maybe this is the same for most people who listen to this stuff, but ii just feel super zoned out from the rest of the world..its like my hiigh.since i dont smoke or nuthin..this stuff is like my dailey routine, its all ii been listenin to lately...its the only stuff i can listen to without feeling depressed..its leaves no room for unhappyness, it forces you to just BEE...and ii love that... nobody really knows whuts going on with me uther then u..which is kool.ii just feel like ii caan relate to u alot better then n e one else for sum reason.. (for evryone else reading this, kno that im okay)...n e ways..ii appeciate u, and ur musiq, and ur 6 minute sessions u be haviin with ur toothbrush.. lol

-SlowPoke

LiiViiNG FROM A DiiSTANCE

2008-03-20T21:26:00.000-07:00

Due to previous engagements because of certain selfish fatt-ass blubbery lightning bolt havin groupy heferlambs…who will remain nameless…I am no longer..(spoken directly out the mouth of my authority)..i am no longer aloud to go out at NIGHT…MAYBE..when ii get my LISCENCE..MAYBE.. ii feel that this was no way my fault. If you are invited sumwhere, and your invitey is aware of ur curfew…why wuld u huff and puff and pout when its time to take my party poopin ass home?..ii will never invite sumone sumwhere,and not respect (whovers in charge)..their wishes..and I feel that I fully deserve to rant and rave on my blog about this..bekus that shyt is overly fuked upp..and im madd at myself , kus I kno..i shulda just took my ass home after the tats were done..i saw the deceitfulness in her eyes. Lol…I truly believe I wuld hav NO FRENDS, if I didn’t go to skool…. Seriously….4 more months and im respectfully, out this bitch..and I swear..i will never live iin LA again..im sorry..ive just had a bad life expierence since i been here…all 18 long years of my life. yall KNOW MOMS BE ON MY HEAD!!! SHE KNOWS WHEN MY SCALP IS DRY!!..ii cant stand her..and i kno that when ii hav kids....they will be aloud to have there frends come over..as long as they dont tear up my shyt. they can go almost wherever they want within reason..(no stripclubs or nnuthin)...ima treat my kids like KIDS..NOT CHILD DELINQUENTS..ugh...im so irratated..

..............................AS USUAL..AMMO,E.Gabbz,Jesse,..and whoever else..(pretend i smoke)..smoke 2 for me, eat plenty for the both of us, and ill see yall duriing school hours, BEFORE the street liights come one...

(ROLLING EYES).....SlowPoke'

Snaps Please...

2008-03-19T21:36:00.000-07:00

Today ill fall in love

Hold hands and kiss lips

that taste

like cupcakes

im feelin lucky

the grass is greener

on this side

this time

ill love you into

tomarrow(s)

that’s plural and neverending

I gave up on love letters

And I don’t do love songs

Happiness is only a doormat

On my porch

Except on days like this

So today

I think ill fall in love

-SlowPoke'

2008-03-18T21:25:00.000-07:00

WORD A MOUF’

YO LIFE – as if to say “your life”..ii kno..i don’t get it either..it sounds better when used sarcastically.

HORNY- another word for being thristy..”he is horny for my number”

For The Mo- like sayin your homo basically

Never Give-..as in never give up/ “sexual connotation”

“Foofer”- like a dumb person basically

Ive hurd even dumber things that people actually say in a conversation.and they say it to me..and ii hav truble keeping up..lmao…

MORE RANDOM SHYT!!

……………today ii wore my contacts for the first time since graduation..

ii ran into a pole,
tripped going up the stairs,
fell off a curb,
bumped into a trashcan,
and ran into a car with my self

….yup..its good to be back. lol

Today ii...

2008-03-17T13:26:00.000-07:00

ii juss wanna be lovedd

that iis all for today

SlowPoke'

TO MY FAiiTHFULL READER!!!

2008-03-13T21:37:00.000-07:00

PAULINA iiS AWESOME...

THIS IS THE START OF A BEaUTIFULL FRiENDSHIP!!

(NO HOMO)
i cant wait to hang out and go to a rave and listen to techno. lol
this blog is dedicated to u! i feel like u r my way to my father..get me/ like im not tryna use u..but ur in my life for a reason,and thats obviously one of them since all of ur family knew my dad pretty much..u couldn't have came into my life at a more perfect time. ur possitivty, makes me feel calm, and like i can handle whutevr im going thru. i wish i kuld b like u and not wanna ever get arried and hav kids,,and i wish i wanted to date white guys who didnt really like girls. lol...u r trully someone special.

P.S...tell ya FiineASSCOUSiiN ii SAID HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY RASHAAAD BOO!!! lmao...

just kidding....kinda.

-SlowPoke'

BECAUse REAL FRENDS KNOW YOU BETTER THEN YOURSELF...

2008-03-13T19:31:00.000-07:00

taybayb: I juss need ur lovely opinion..

Slim: I just think you fall into the same trap of being in love, you`re
just in love with being in love and when someone gives you that chance,
you take because you have that type of faith in people, you want to
believe that all people are just as willing s you, & it just happened
to happen that they guys you`ve picked aren`t so free willing to leap into
love.Slim: And that`s okay, because it just shows you that maybe you hold
back, don`t love right away, & even if you do, let it out in spurts.
Slim:Let it out when the boy shows he deserves it.

"TREAT YOUR LOVE
LIKE YOU DO YOUR PUSSY"
-SLIM

Slim: Treat your lovelike you do your pussy.
Slim: the thing about you, which is NOT a
flaw is that you`re so young,
but you know what you want in a love life.
Slim: You`re rare.
Slim: Many people our age do not know if they
want a relationship, or
if they just want to run free, because
it`s like settle now, but we`re
so young, or take advantage of a young love.
Slim: You`re just not confused & everyone else is.
Slim: It`s not your fault that EVERYONE else is fucked up

-SlowPoke'

iiM BACK BiiTCHES!!!

2008-03-11T20:22:00.000-07:00

ONLY ii.. would have to get my stomach pumped for swallowing tooth numbing pain re leaver... thats so dumb!! y wuld they hav u put stuff in ur mouth that u cant swallow.. just like toothpaste.. n e wayyyys... ii miissed my blog.. and my much needed ME TiiME has had some wonderful results...
WEAVES BUILD CONFIDENCE!!!...
ii think this year, im waaaaaay more self confident. and ii thiink bekus of my hair,)ii have some wiierd sexual presence..?..dus that make sense?(II WISH U KULD SEEE MY FACE!!...) like, im not sexy..but how ever u wuld define me...works for me..and only me ii believe. ii also fiind that my attraction to the opposite sex has increased in a large percentage. lol.. ii cant help but admire and appreciate a good looking guy..since i so very rarely see them!!! its nice to be able to flirt with no obligations..and to receive numbers, even tho i kno ii wont be dialing them..lol.
DUDES LOVE FAKE NAILS!!! I SWEEEEEEAR!! dont ask me why..but ii hav noticed that the first thing a dude pays attention to is my nails.. so wiierd..ii was complimented, and ii asked whut was it about..and i was told, that nails that r done make a girl look cleaner...lol. okaaaay..eeven tho ii kno sum kute nail haviin DOO DOO MAMAs!!....nails..just like socks..to me, makes me feel trapped. they r glued on, and i feel like my real nails are suffocating...im slowly trying to b lady like....but ii think ill save artificial nails for special occasions, like.... my wedding day..lol..so ill stick to my homemade polka dots from now on....

-SlowPoke

KOPYKATTs

2008-02-29T18:15:00.000-08:00

DEAR
insanelybeautifullyhonest.blogspot.com,

iits bitches like you that make me want to be more original everyday. if anyone who is reading this goes to this overgrown womans page, they will see that 4 of "her blogs" are really mine.. and its funny, kus if ur gunna steal some shyt as ur own, take my name out at the end u simple bitch. ii really am out of words for this. all ii can see is ii feel terribly bad for your "friends"..becus u r prolly just a collection of sedimentations of people you dont even know. WHO REALLY ARE YOU?..(besides biig of course.) id never hiit a women but id slap a bitch..since ur so good with quotes..who said that. n e ways.. steal sum shyt again, please. it makes me feel twice as bomb about myself, knowing that thers sumone else out there who wants to be me. a word of advice.. be yourself, because im taken. so is everyone else.. i know your prolly dealing with sum self esteem issues and whut not..(with that wiieght && all)..but its okay.. ull get thru it. just get a new weave..and post YOUR OwN words ...maybe soon youll have stalkerish wannabees posting all urstuff too!!

-THE REAL SlowPoke'

p.s.
GET SUMMMM!!!

ii Bet you think this song is about you..

2008-02-27T18:55:00.000-08:00

Dear Gab-Bay,
ii have to make my own dinner here. IIn my eyes you can do no wrong..(kinda)..to me ii mean.. lol. u can do no wrong to me. ii love you, in the most homoist way possible..and ii appreciate you. there is not a day that goes by, and ii dont think of you. keep blaziin..ii respect iit.
song dedication: MANEATER(remix)..Nelly Furtado ft.weezy

Dear Ammo,
my nails still look awesome!! one day soon ima take ma permit test..AND PASS!! lmao. ii love you and MAXPowers..thank you for being my guRu,and giving me even the littlest amount of advice..and for ridiculing me about my driving skills.. I Love YOu MUcho Grande! && dont b puttin that baby in no more backpacks.
Song Dedication: Valerie.. Amy Winehouse

Jesse && Burg,
BURG.. your awesome for that loan. and you will be getting it bACK shortly. BESSBELIEVE.
Jesse... I LOVE YOU. u r the biig bruther ii never had. you watch my back from a distance and you always chek up on me. whenever ive needed a place to run && hide you open your home..(well handz home.. lol. ) up to me willingly. uve rescued me from work. gotten outta YOOUR BED in the pooring rain && got me. ii cannot express my gratefullness for having both of you in my liife.
Song Dedication: Check The Ryhme.. A Tribe Called Quest

hmmmm....who am ii missing...
(pause)...(smile)

PAAAAAAAAUL!!!
ii openly want you to know that ii fully respect what you do. its nice to see a black man work hard for his goals..lol you are nothing short of greatness, and for me to thiink that your actions towards me..(really no action at all..lol. jay kay..) were intentional would be LIES && DECEIT.. ii really honestly do understand...&& even if our outcome isnt where we want it to be.. IMA STILL HOLD YOU DOWN..iim happy that we got to REALLY know each other in even the short period that we did. ii take everything for what it is, and ii have grown from it. you are living proof that there is hope for the rest of the men on earth. ii was lucky enuff to have you if even for a day. thers not enuff blog space to explain how ii feel, but iim sure you must know. I Love You.&& iim happy ii got the chance for you to love me in return. no one can ever replace you. youll always be that one person who makes me nervous, && makes me blush.&&&&& II REALLY REALLY HOPE, we end up back together so you can buy me my red telephone booth..(thought ii forgot?) iif you ever need to talk or complain or want me to ask you stupid random questions, im here.. im not so good with advice, but sarcastic comments are always waiting for you. . ii must say that iif ii could have pulled my heart out of my chest and handed it to you, then that is exactly what ii did. && ii dont regret it at all. iif ii was a thug, id get you tatted on my ass or sumthin..lol. Love You biighead.
Song dedication:Hey America..Weezy

2008-02-27T10:37:00.000-08:00

PUSHA-T

iim not myself. someone else iis iin my body. my iinsides are cold. have ii fallin back on my word?... ii sell death. ii slip it into mothers son's hands.(tho never to my loved ones) without remorse but filled with pressure. MONEY.. green && liike addictions, ii striive for more. ...secrets seem to haunt me more often. this person that breathes is not me.iits rare that women get caught. for n e thing that they do: 1.women dont tell 2.we deny everything, && make counter accustaions. but my perceptions on things have defiantley changed. ii thiink iim less naiive to the things that go on around me since ii have become more invloved iin them. ii used to live life, iin my own little bubble. my own world fiilled with peace (free fades) && love..now, ii robotically interact with others. ii stroll thru life wiith no more cares. no motivation. iim confused, and ii think iim just over liife in general unless it has to do with makiin that paper. iive found a new focus..since ii always seem to fall short when iit comes to Love...at least ill be walkin down this lonely road wit a GWAP. ii wiill say that haviing a new born in my house is defiantly payiing off. SLIM?! WHUDDUP!!..ii will say that iim glad ii could confide in you && iim glad u got ma back doggy!! they aiint Ready fa US!!

-SlowPoke'

"SECRETS KILL WHO HAVE THEM && THEY KILL WHO TELL THEM" -GAB$MOKE

FAVORiiTES!!

2008-02-25T17:08:00.000-08:00

today ii feel like ii got left at the alter...just one day short of happiness.

MY FAVORiiTE THINGS!!

the color PURPLE

the smell of xmas trees && clorene

cold hardwood floors

gerber daisys(pink)

messenger bags

pepermint bubble bath

UNDYWEAR!! (BRAS&&&PANTIES)

hotpink nails

chuks

old cars(mustangs)

vintage T's

dudes with BRACES

corny jokes

cupcakes with buttercream iicing

sticky pepermint kisses

addicted to ballplayers

birthday cake remix icecream(coldstones)..while next to the heater

courage the cowardly dog

def poetry jam