Love will be the death of me. Ive ran from it so many times, and as soon as i stopped to catch a breath, i lost sight of what i was running from.... looking back at the things i cannot change, i see things that couldnt have been avoided. every action that could have been diffrent would have led to the same outcome. i have fate to thank for that. but fate does not keep sheets warm, and there is no bed big enough to love myself in. ive already tryed that. unless someone can mend me some waterproof covers, my tears will continue to soak matching pillowcases. i wear my heart on my shoulder, directly ontop of the rest of my world. like so many things before this moment, it shall pass, but these seconds could not be moving any slower. these minutes could not be counted any quicker, and these days could not be more painful. its alot easier to sit and wonder how life would be "IF" things were different. an "adult" would take responsibilty for the mistakes made, instead of continuing to run && hiide from them. but where am i suppose to start when theres 19 years of built up emotions. am i suppose to juss pick a random number like 3. the year my mom left my nana to raise me for my entire childhood...



.... its hard to imagine the things that people go through. we are lied to everyday when someone is polite and asks us how were doiing, and we reply were fine. when really we cant make rent, our car was towed, and we have a sibling in the hospital. i take part in these lies everyday. and i know that i do it because whos really trying to listen to my sad ass sob story, when they have one of there own. this is a selfish world and the people in it are even crueler.
i sometimes walk with closed eyes afraid to see people for what they really are. id rather put trust in someone who will trade me in for a new pair of shoes, then to stand anywhere alone. that must say something about my charachter.. how weak-willed i must be for refusing to spend any moment of my life alone.. and in silence. because if love is not the death of me, then silence will suffocate my soul. it leaves the mind to wonder, and allows my fingers to type these unbairable issues that stain my smile.


time does not heal anything. and you cannot juss "let things tho". my father is dead, i cant just "let it go". i have to live with that shit. u let go gettin your phone stolen, or loosing a pair of earings. you dont let go death and people doiing you fucked up who are suppose to be your family. family does not mean blood. ive learned that too soon in life. if anything the people who are yur blood will do you wrong faster than your next door neighbor.