08 SECRETS....

CAN YOU KEEP A SECRET?...

"ii feel like i just got the wind knocked outt of me. you can not make someone love you but i thought that if you loved someone with your entire being, then maybe.they would catch on. what can i say. i am thee truest sucker for love. and to be honest with myself and the rest of the world..sex was prolly the issue...sex is just another symbol of the love you share with someone... so maybe that was the issue to begin with.. like so many other things.. i rushed into love.. and found myself in love alone. i am juss like my mother.. always chasing after those little boys..i couldnt even tell you what i want in a man, for the simple fact ive never had one ..i dont even know how to be alone.. let alone be with someone else.. giving all of my emotions was the first mistake. now i understand why trust is earned. you cant trust someone to take care of your heart when they've done nothing to prove they are worthy of it.. i cant even love him from a distance now. everything juss needs to be cut off. because right now i cannot imagine life without him.. he was my let out from the rest of my world. so i need to progress with my life and learn to live alone. i need to learn how and when to say no. niceness does not get you far in this world. cold hearted women prosper alot faster in life i have come to find. he will become another reason for my frustration . another mistake that i made. and within the few minutes i have expierenced this.. i am already begining to find the things i could have done diffrently. what happen to give and you shall recieve. thats bullshyt. a man is what is needed.. and since i cringe at the the thought of any form of relationship. i know that these days will be lonely for a long while. my accomplishments will keep me warm."

Love will be the death of me. Ive ran from it so many times, and as soon as i stopped to catch a breath, i lost sight of what i was running from.... looking back at the things i cannot change, i see things that couldnt have been avoided. every action that could have been diffrent would have led to the same outcome. i have fate to thank for that. but fate does not keep sheets warm, and there is no bed big enough to love myself in. ive already tryed that. unless someone can mend me some waterproof covers, my tears will continue to soak matching pillowcases. i wear my heart on my shoulder, directly ontop of the rest of my world. like so many things before this moment, it shall pass, but these seconds could not be moving any slower. these minutes could not be counted any quicker, and these days could not be more painful. its alot easier to sit and wonder how life would be "IF" things were different. an "adult" would take responsibilty for the mistakes made, instead of continuing to run && hiide from them. but where am i suppose to start when theres 19 years of built up emotions. am i suppose to juss pick a random number like 3. the year my mom left my nana to raise me for my entire childhood...



.... its hard to imagine the things that people go through. we are lied to everyday when someone is polite and asks us how were doiing, and we reply were fine. when really we cant make rent, our car was towed, and we have a sibling in the hospital. i take part in these lies everyday. and i know that i do it because whos really trying to listen to my sad ass sob story, when they have one of there own. this is a selfish world and the people in it are even crueler.
i sometimes walk with closed eyes afraid to see people for what they really are. id rather put trust in someone who will trade me in for a new pair of shoes, then to stand anywhere alone. that must say something about my charachter.. how weak-willed i must be for refusing to spend any moment of my life alone.. and in silence. because if love is not the death of me, then silence will suffocate my soul. it leaves the mind to wonder, and allows my fingers to type these unbairable issues that stain my smile.


time does not heal anything. and you cannot juss "let things tho". my father is dead, i cant just "let it go". i have to live with that shit. u let go gettin your phone stolen, or loosing a pair of earings. you dont let go death and people doiing you fucked up who are suppose to be your family. family does not mean blood. ive learned that too soon in life. if anything the people who are yur blood will do you wrong faster than your next door neighbor.