when you are a child, you cry. you cry over very little things, like scraped knees,and dropped ice cream cones..and you cry with all of your breath, and using all of your chest muscles,and vocal cords..tears stream down your face, and snot runs..and your crying because in that moment, there is nothing more important then that dropped ice cream, or scraped knee, that was all you cared about,and now all your left with is an empty cone and a bloody wound. as you get older, you cry over things that are still just as small, but are just as important to you at the time, like a failed midterm,or an ended relationship...people cry because they are happy,sad,hurt,or frustrated..i can only recall crying when i was everything but happy. and it always had to do with some little boy. up until recently, i always saw the friends around me, go through things,and have problems, and i never really had deep issues unless it had to do with boyfriends...
my baby sister pickle was born, and then there came the biggest emotional and spiritual test of my life. i suddenly realized what having my father around didnt feel like. and i began to notice how everyone had there BIRTH fathers in there lifes, if even from a very far distance. and i noticed how they took having both parents in there lives for granted. i questioned if i wasnt deserving enuff to hav my dad alive to see me graduate highschool, and why i cant call him when me and my mom get into it. im at the point in my life where a young women should know her father..not a "father figure"... and i have spent so long trying to fill a space that cant ever be filled..and now i feel that space is consuming me. i havent gone a day without crying. i cry every and anywhere, where the people dont know me. i must go through this alone, and all i can do is pray.. but praying does not take pain away, neither do lovers, or talking to someone about my problems... its not pride, or ego..but unless someone can reach into my heart and grab whats hurting, then ill spend the rest of my days sleeping, because thats the only time i dont hurt. the only time i dont cry.
my baby sister pickle was born, and then there came the biggest emotional and spiritual test of my life. i suddenly realized what having my father around didnt feel like. and i began to notice how everyone had there BIRTH fathers in there lifes, if even from a very far distance. and i noticed how they took having both parents in there lives for granted. i questioned if i wasnt deserving enuff to hav my dad alive to see me graduate highschool, and why i cant call him when me and my mom get into it. im at the point in my life where a young women should know her father..not a "father figure"... and i have spent so long trying to fill a space that cant ever be filled..and now i feel that space is consuming me. i havent gone a day without crying. i cry every and anywhere, where the people dont know me. i must go through this alone, and all i can do is pray.. but praying does not take pain away, neither do lovers, or talking to someone about my problems... its not pride, or ego..but unless someone can reach into my heart and grab whats hurting, then ill spend the rest of my days sleeping, because thats the only time i dont hurt. the only time i dont cry.
on February 14th, my fathers birthday, i will be spending a piece of my day, with him at his grave for the first time since i was 9. i hope that in that moment i find peace within myself, and some sort of comfort and clarity. i would never wish death on anyone, and though i am a true believer that everything happens for a reason, i dont see how what im gaining from a fatherless childhood.right now im holding an empty ice cream cone, and there are no bandages for a broken heart..hopefully, in time i will look back on this as another thing that helped shape who i am..