this house is the root to all my stress && worry... it bothers me that the person who had me, who i was once apart of, knows the least about me in the world.my neighbors know me better. she has this built in perception of me, && its irritating.. im tired of hearing about how i remind her of my father, "all filled with dreams, && no follow thru".. its hard to follow thru when i have medical bills to pay.. thousands of dollars worth. shes mad at me because i dont have a car. a car costs money.. unpaid medical bills mess up credit, which makes it hard to get an apartment once i do have the car.. im not an idiot, even tho ive been called that more then ii count on my fingers in one conversation.. why should i have to pay them all by myself.. ur my mother.. u get paid more then the firefighter...its frustrating.. like i choose to go to the hospital.. like i think its fun to have sezures... i shouldnt have to ask for help. so ii dont. ii remember why i left the first time.. it had nothing to do with partying.. why be in a house tryna be treated like a child halfway.. if im gunna hav a curfew, and im gunna go to school, and have chores, then when i need your help,you shouldnt leave me hangin. i pay for school, i pay for my health problems...and im still tryna abide by ur rules?.. this makes no since.. && iim done. shes why i have so many fears in life.. my biggest goal shouldnt be making sure im not pregnant at 20 to prove her wrong.... i hate her. deep disdain... some mother i swear.
she helps me to appreciate the wonderfully amazing people i have in my life, that remind me how important && talented && special ii am everyday.. not that i need n e clarification, but when im constantly in a house filled with animosity and unnecessary confrontation, its easy to forget who i am. and what im worth. ii cant wait to prove her wrong.. and put her ass in a home when she's too old to function.
ii needed a day to myself.. to figure things out.. i get why i love so hard.. i like the feeling and i like being happy. its nice to have someone who loves you back..who can build you up and be there for you when everything isnt okay.. even tho i havnt quite got to the part where u dont act like everythings okay. if i love hard enuff, then maybe the pain wont show thru my eyes. i unno.. my mother analyzes me dailey.. jugdes me with every breath i take..thats why i dont want others to do it to me.. i feel like it will always result in a negative opinion... ..
my chest still hurts...