another reminder of the void ii hold in my heart. .
the older ii become the more frustrating i find it that my father is not in my life, and its not even as if that decision was by choice. out of all the guys ive ever been with, only ONE, has been without his REAL father in his life, and even then, they were still in contact. dudes that ii hav talked to have always had a since of stability, living with both there birth parents. its true that a child who has both there parents in there life kan turn out juss as fuked up as one without them, but its less likely. there actions towards me have always been on point.. filled with affectionate, and understanding no matter what. its wiierd.. maybe im rambling here, but ive noticed that the measur of a man is usually through what he was taught growing up, which also has to do with my strong emotional bond that i have with each person i hav come into contact wiith. i recently found out that the dude im "with" at the moment, his older brother was basically my dads best friend named his record company after him && evrything.. i went on to further find out that all of his freinds, were my dads friends, and his wife dated my father..it trully is a small world, and i think the main reason i find my self drawn to this 17 year old yung mann who still has plenty of growing and maturing.. is becus i find closure and comfort knowing in a small way he was connected to my father.. some days i feel that im going to have to cut this little woo-day off, but ii hold him tighter each time i see him. i lay on his chest and fall asleep on him, thinking of my dad, and how things would have been... id like to say that i love this boy, but i feel that im using him for personal gain, not to feel a void, but to clarify that ii once had a father.. i also find myself slipping even farther away from my faith in god and my religion in general.. i dont want to believe in anything, i just want to live my life, and question all authority, which is the stage im at in my life. a rebel in all careless ways, ive defained my family relationships, mainly out of jelousy for my babysistter, and the absolute resentment i hav for my mother.. i feel as if evrything is her fault, shes the reason im like this, shes the reason my dad left her..she chased him away with her forceful and overly dominent nature..she pushed him away, like shes doing me...apart of me wants to call myself a lier, but ii really feel this way deep down inside..evrything is so confusing riight now, so overly fuked up...i feel that i have no one to run to, to lay with and fall asleep with, to make evrything in my world just go away..no one except for hiim ..he's the only person i feel is always there, on my time, and never tells me no, and though we dont talk as deeply as i do on my blog, we dont have to..evrything is implied..
-SlowPoke