where to begin.. health.the most important.. i went to the doctor today. i am officially cured of whatever it was i had that ii cant spell or pronounce..the tests that came back on my brain were negative, && they think that ii might have been mis diagnosed with a form of epilepsy.. it looks to be that ii most likely have some type of an anxiety/panic attack disorder instead... which can also be cured with medication for a few months while my heart continues to be monitored... i have a neurologist appointment in a few weeks... wiish me luuk!!
LOVE...y is it alot harder then iit looks. when placed in emotional situations, its hard for me to explain myself.. my feelings... n e thing really.. ii choke.. which is why im so good at writing,its how ii explain any..&& everything.. all that comes out of my mouth are "umm's"..."ii cant explain's".. && uther stuff that makes me sound like an overly dramatic broad. ii never wanna be the girlfriend that always is upset over little things..who nit piks && is jealous && over bearing.. thats so not me at all..
ii feel that the love that ii have to offer n e one..is greater then n e thing else ii culd give a person.. so my way of showing that ii care, or that ur missed, or n e thing else positive... ii tend to want to be affectionate.. so when ii feel like iim missed or whutever else, i excpect the same in return..to me yesterday was just baad timing, it wasnt a day where ii wanted to be left alone..ii wanted to be hugged and smothered... to be reassured that everything would be okay.. after being hospitalized...ii felt like yesterday shuld hav been an exception to the affection rule. i dont mind just being able to sit && stare or make jokes..thats being a bro for the day. && im always down for that.. but ii felt like yesterday caught me off gaurd. not at all what i expected or wanted.
once a conversation was had, && ii woke up feeling like shyt.. ii realized even mooooore.. ii didnt at all take into consideration how ii was making n e one else feel.. && that was selfish of me.. ive grown use to the doctor appointments, the sickness.. the heart issues && allergic reactions.. the people that are in my life now.. are new. && iit feels like ive known them forever sometimes..so ii forget the type of worry ii bring with me. the burden ii am..iim not tryna stress him out or make n e one wish they could have been there for me when they arnt capable. iim fine on my own..ive done well all this time.. && no ii dont need a big parade or a stop the presses when ii come around..
a certain type of contentment && a controlled emotion from me needs to be obtained... the doctors always tell me after ive had a scan how my heart is slightly to biig for my body.. a metaphor in so many ways."a gift && a curse" she tells me. holding back is diffrent from pushing away.. ii feel like its a form of lieing tho... withholding information.. ii dont want him to ever have to question iif ii love him. bekus ii kno what that feels like to wonder if someone really does care about u like they say.&& if u have to wonder..they prolly dont.. ii hate bein doubted.. everything was so unnecessary && blown out of porportion..never again.
at the end of the day...
him loving me is enough. thats one thing ii will never have to question in life. my happiness doesnt revolve around kisses && hugs or parades. him being there really is enough.. && ii should have thought of all of this sooner then later.
&& ii can here him now.."(yo baad)"
yea yea yea.. u riight .