the suffer in silence type.

so iim having second thoughts about this pool party.. according to my life, this would be the first actual bf/gf outting ive ever had.. (ii can see gabby && E laughin at me) . im almost twenty years old && ive never been sumwhere with an actual boyfriend as like ..a public outting, where everyone basically knows us both.. like going to functions together doesnt count, because its night time,dark, && ii cant tell if any one is staring. lol. ii feel like this is an all baad situation waiting to happen.. things like this make me extreeeemly nervous.. sorry i missed this part of my life.. so ii dont kno whut im suppose to do.. lol. the normal part of me, would be doin my own thing... but the newly protective && strongly possesive self, wants to handd cuff him to my belt loop, hang a big sign that reads he's taken && no he doesnt want your number so you can help promote... lol. reading this myself, ii kno that im crazy. but that still doesnt help with me deciding on whether to even go.. i trust him but alot more when im not around (backwards??). becus i cant see it. ii feel like he wouldnt do anything out of line.. especially not in my face.. but females dont care. .especially half naked girls wit they ass && titties out for the world to see.. && then if they perform..(rolling my eyes)...i am fully secure with myself and my relationship.. but iit still wierds me out.. this whole thing is so overwhelming..i feel like im going with him to a strip club or sumthin.. im gunna b the only girl with actual clothes on.. && thats exactly how i want it. cargos && my sneaks.. my comfort zone..

so many emotions... so many thoughts.. so much pain.. && happiness, && exhaustion && excitement.

FOR EXAMPLE:.. ii sat watching him play the piano.. && the tears came..
to much thinking turns into water works && runny noses..






whats wrong with me..

ii was born for Gods personal Amusment..

SOOOOO HAPPY TO BE HALFWAY HOME!!...so!! lets start from the beggining... the RV trip was a mission in itself... yeast infections are not cool!! lol.. i wouldnt wish one on n e one.. && apparently u can get them w/o having sex.. u can also get them from having too much sugar in your diet.( i hear blaze's "i told u so" iin my head).. n e ways.. with me not ever having one.. it was like worse then death .. lol. its funny now but it wasnt at the time. its like a burning&& itching all at once... && then the good mother nature decided to thro my period in there too.which was 2 weeks earlier then when it was suppose to happen, i had to ride a bike with the seat too high..my feet barely reaching the petals...and the seat digging into my..problem area.. 2 miles to get to 7eleven to buy some pads...my life..ii swear i could right a book about the worst luck that i have..last month it was diapers..smh.. n e ways...after all that, i stayed on the beach..which was kool, but after day 1, the hype was gone..i realized that im older, and kinda too old to just be posted with my gparents with nothing to do but eat&& sleep...my life has become intertwined with other things..like writing(blogging)..partying(on occasion)..and more than anything derrius.DUUH!!. .just interaction with people my age in general..it was a relaxing but also very lonely vacation for me..did alot of thinking..alot of crying..alot of sleeping..lol



i guess i try so hard to always keep a smile on my face.. && im always so worried about other people.. placing everyone before myself..i forget sometimes to handle my own problems.pushing them to the side doesnt make them go away...ii juss wanna go to school..and get paid lots of money to write stuff..more then anything i want happiness..happines is love.&& ii have that.. so when love is not near...everything else outside of that bubble, seems to slap me in the face..my goal now is to obtain an equal environment..i guess thats what an adult is suppose to do.. it really isnt all fun && games.. .damn.



p.s...iif your wondering what the cherry ontop of this vacation is..it ends in me peeing on my ugg boots....no further comment

the drive home..

&& iin this moment ii am content... im sure ii smile in my sleep sometimes.. right now im sleepy. && semi-saad. knowing that ii wont c him for a week at LEAST...i like being able to be away from him sumtimes... i feel like i overwhelm people....u kant miss sumone if they r always in ur face..ii wish ii culd give him the world.. but ii dont have that kinda money riight now. lol...one day tho. all of me wants to take on his problems as my own. carry the weight of his world && myne so that all he'd have to worry about was loving me.




2bc...

Sometimes I wonder
Will the bloom stay on the rose
Even though it’s picked

because apparently ii hiit a nerve..

"that saaaaame day, that ass is myne"

i tryed writing.. but everything that comes out is sexual.. he makes me want to wear LAN-GER_AYE..which is french & not portugesie.. he makes me want to learn the splits..&& cook banana panckakes.. && watch adult programming with a notepad && a pen iin my hand.. he makes my chest ache out of longing... and my pelvic bone tingle.. ...
my patience is wearing thin..

woke up feeling every content... a balanced && controled amount of love in my system... at day care right now... tryin not to fall asleep.. missing derrius logan..lol...excited about the party on saturday.. but bummed he cant go with me so ii can show him off.. he looks good with my shoes.. lol. my hair is done.. but shorter.. "it'll grow back" lol... tryna devise a plan so i can spend the night with him on saturday instead of actually going home.... iim such a baad liar tho.. lol.

this is how ii feel : *&(^&**#$%#$*&^!@#$!!!!!!!!!!!!

this house is the root to all my stress && worry... it bothers me that the person who had me, who i was once apart of, knows the least about me in the world.my neighbors know me better. she has this built in perception of me, && its irritating.. im tired of hearing about how i remind her of my father, "all filled with dreams, && no follow thru".. its hard to follow thru when i have medical bills to pay.. thousands of dollars worth. shes mad at me because i dont have a car. a car costs money.. unpaid medical bills mess up credit, which makes it hard to get an apartment once i do have the car.. im not an idiot, even tho ive been called that more then ii count on my fingers in one conversation.. why should i have to pay them all by myself.. ur my mother.. u get paid more then the firefighter...its frustrating.. like i choose to go to the hospital.. like i think its fun to have sezures... i shouldnt have to ask for help. so ii dont. ii remember why i left the first time.. it had nothing to do with partying.. why be in a house tryna be treated like a child halfway.. if im gunna hav a curfew, and im gunna go to school, and have chores, then when i need your help,you shouldnt leave me hangin. i pay for school, i pay for my health problems...and im still tryna abide by ur rules?.. this makes no since.. && iim done. shes why i have so many fears in life.. my biggest goal shouldnt be making sure im not pregnant at 20 to prove her wrong.... i hate her. deep disdain... some mother i swear.



she helps me to appreciate the wonderfully amazing people i have in my life, that remind me how important && talented && special ii am everyday.. not that i need n e clarification, but when im constantly in a house filled with animosity and unnecessary confrontation, its easy to forget who i am. and what im worth. ii cant wait to prove her wrong.. and put her ass in a home when she's too old to function.

ii needed a day to myself.. to figure things out.. i get why i love so hard.. i like the feeling and i like being happy. its nice to have someone who loves you back..who can build you up and be there for you when everything isnt okay.. even tho i havnt quite got to the part where u dont act like everythings okay. if i love hard enuff, then maybe the pain wont show thru my eyes. i unno.. my mother analyzes me dailey.. jugdes me with every breath i take..thats why i dont want others to do it to me.. i feel like it will always result in a negative opinion... ..



my chest still hurts...

LoveChild

ive decided that love will be the death of me... sometimes i feel like im in love alone.. like everything is one big test. im always being analyzed, and jugded.. && ii dont get why.. i just want everything to be okay. i want to be happy.. i want to make the people i love happy.. i guess this is what it feels like when there are no gaurds up.. no anti theft systems over my heart.. ii dont like the feeling that ii could loose the most important thing to me at any point in time. that he could juss change his mind about me.... && i dont like the feeling that im thee only one that knows how important they are to me.. what am i doing wrong?.. im beggining to run out of words.. i love yous arnt good enuff.. that dusnt even begin to explain it..im lossing myself.. . ii cant help wanting to spend every second of every hour of every moment with him... i wuldnt get tired.. bekus..i love to love.. tho this love is new..its what i want.. ii juss dont want to be the only one who wants it as much as ii do.. ..

[side-note]

ii feel lost in liife.. ii need a car (tho ive learned that dusnt fix all life problems).. ii need to focus more on my goals.. and move the fuk out this house... ..

spending my night with fatburger && mtv.. bekus iive jumped on my boyfriends last nerve..