P.S.

my thoughts wont let me fall asleep... i fear that i am a burden to the people that care about me.. with n e little type of strain on my chest, my air flow stops complelty.. laughing to hard, getting to upset, walking to fast... its getting worse..i cant explain it, its like a stabbing..and a twisting all at once i try to stay optimistic but its hard feeling like i have a 80 pound medicine ball for a heart sumtimes.. i try to stay positive always smiling, making sure everyone else is okay.. forgetting my own well being.. forgetting how sick ii am really capable of getting.. ii dont wanna go back to how i was.. to bedrest, and breathing treatments..saltine crakers.. wut am i , a senior citizen.. thats why i try to always be out enjoying every moment of the life i have, because i secretly feel like, it will be short lived..like my destiny in life is to help uthers with their journey, while i never really make it to my own..my nightmare is always this.. filled with images of loosing people who no longer need me.. always finding sum new soul to shower with love and a since of life...

goodnight world.. for now ii hope





p.s.
fresh out the hospital. good lookin CHRIS! who SAVED MY LIFE!! smh..@ everyone else..

OLDER THOUGHTS:
not that i know him better then he does.. but i read him better then he knows. i know that things are confusing...life is confusing... i understand what my job is.. its to love him thru it all..the reassurance that evrything will be okay. to just relax, take a breath, and do what makes u happy...love is knowing when to hold in ur private complaints..knowing when to listen... ....

Today

Guacamole does not cure confusion...or heart aches... neither does TUMS.
Puffs Tissue doesnt stop the tears from soaking my pillows, or fogging up my glasses..
im sitting here in the same place (metaphorically speaking).. wondering what im doing wrong.. waiting to hear the reasoning behind the faulty complaints, and the boundaries that have been given.. a piece of my soul crumbles in silence everytime im pushed away.love can just leave you feeling helpless sometimes... i went to the doctor and they told me my heart was too big for my body, which is what causes the seizures...(a metaphor in so many ways).. as i stood there listening to this lady who new nothing about me break down in tears about how sorry she was for me, and how young i was to have such heart problems... all i thought was..."thee irony"... its more then seizures and brain medication, i thought if anything, love would fix the problem..all problems.. you kno, " love conquers all" . like it puts you in an opptomistic outlook about life... if you have love.. u have everything?.. i thought... apparently god is laughing at me again.. my mind is my worst enemy as i think of the worst possible scenarios.. everything i culd have done right the first time.. how many obama documentary's id be willing to watch after all of this.. kinda like that prayer u pray to GOD and u say" if u get me outta this i swear i wont do it again"... i unno..life seems so stressful. money.health.&& love. this is why i dont hav sex, why i dont lie, why i dont do anything but write... evrything else is so complicated...maybe i shuld just stick to indie musiq && poetry... im tired of hearing how now is not a good time... always barely missing the perfect time to come into sumones life.. theres always growing up that needs to be done, sacrifices that have to made...all at once with no room for me.. ive grown use to not fitting into everyones scheduale... and in turn learned to compromise my feelings, and my schedule for uthers... im done with sorrys, and maybe laters.. im done with everything i thought i knew. im tired && i juss wanna go to sleep.. its the only time you cant feel anything...

KEY WORDS

ii paused from relationships for a long while.. i had forgotten thee uncontrollable emotions that came with it. the sacrifice, the patience, the understanding, and maturity level that is needed. i have all of those things, im completly capable in loving a man, but am i capable of letting him love me. on sum holy type -ness, i feel like GOD has placed my image of a mann into my hands.. and said here.. uve learned your lesson(s).. ur ready.. he's not ready as much as u, but im giving him to u to strengthen him where he is weak, to help build his heart.. and to build him up and help him grow, away from the things that hinder him as a man, like pride, and jelousy, and insecurites. a women should be able to, if not wash away, then subside those issues. i feel that thee amount of power my heart is capable of giving, hes not ready to recieve it fully.. so out of fear, i ration it off, in sections.. something i feel is earned..the way my mind is and how my heart thinks, i can see things into the future.. i have great optimisim when im in love. willing to sacrifice any and evrything for happieness. ((a curse to me.. ))
ive yet to find how this characterisitc helps me.. im always short changed..left hangin, forgotten about.. i unno.. im always holding back bekus im use to being looked at as weak. its better to not care at all, u dont get hurt that way. but i guess sumone means the most to u when they can make u jusst as vulnerable and angry and hurt u just as easily.. its the trusting that they love you enuff not to. i kno that now.. .i dont wanna be the "wifey" he's not ready for.. i am the reality of what a real girlfriend is. like a long term year round girlfriend.. not a plaything.. or an accerserie that goes good with dinner partys and iphones. here is a man whos every word i cling to, look up too wide eyed like a 6 year old looking up at santa clause.. when you are capable of grabbing that type of attention from any women, she will runn backwards barefoot over mountains and hills ffor u. ..

personal evaluation

so, i have this predicament im in... there was a time when certain people were placed into my life, and these people belonged there for only one season and i chose to hold on past a fall and a winter.. it wasnt until i let go that i realized the damage they had caused.. its hard to be in a real reltaionship now. its hard to deal with going from someone who is always putting you down, always telling you your not good enough, always asking for money,always walking all over u, always being evrything i didnt need in my life. a little boy does all those things. a man supports you and keeps you happy and is always focused on your well being. and i have that now, so whats the problem?.. im scared. terrifyed of loving someone in the greatest amount that i am capable of. im scared, not that the same thing will happen, but that because of my hesitation and cautiousness, ill push a man that i have easily fallen in love with away. i know this feeling and i love it, but its my biggest fear. bigger then dying,or hospitals, or spiders, or snakes.. its the only thing i cant control, my emotions. i want to spend every moment with him, awake,sleep, in silence.. it dusnt matter. i am my happiest there.. and typed out it sounds alot clearer then my trying to explain my self outloud.. becus outloud, i think that i sound too serious about things.. but i cant help the way i look at stuff.. and then...my issue came, and added more confusion because i didnt even know what i was mad at. every five minutes, it changed. && thats SOOO DUMB!!. over a bird, && then him not paying attention to me in my last moments of the day together.. whut the hell was wrong with me.. its so.. PETTY.. there was no real reason to be maad. juss def. took all the frustration out on him. .. all of this started with a diaper... smh.
i honestly want nothing more then for me to be the reason why hes happy, and secure, and loved. in order for that to happen, ima hav to let my past expierences go. they dont matter because im dealing with a man now.

BETTER THAN:

1. Rice Crispy Treats

2. Wing Stop

3. Hot Showers

4. CHicken Verde Quesadillas

5. Spell Check

things they dont teach you in SCHOOL!!

• They don't teach you how to love somebody. 
• They don't teach you how to be famous. 
• They don't teach you how to be rich or how to be poor. 
• They don't teach you how to walk away from someone you don't love any longer. 
• They don't teach you how to know what's going on in someone else's mind. 
• They don't teach you what to say to someone who's dying. 
• They don't teach you anything worth knowing.