"DEEP"

“There is no love without forgiveness, and there is no forgiveness without love.”
-- my fortune cookie

how Appropriate i thought.. i sat at this table listening to my mother ramble, while i stared at this little piece of paper.. my love life, flashed before my eyes..it felt like death..like loss of breath, foggy imaged memories all passing thru my mind like a Rolodex.. everything went silent. when ii came back to focus on whutever my mother was saying, i realized i was crying,un controlably.. iit was like shock had completly come over me.. when things happen invloving me ...iit takes me a minute to comprehend everything that has just transpired, whether im the one in the right or wrong, it dusnt matter..

ii write because im horrible at explaining things OUTLOUD..everything..my brain moves faster then my mouth..more then 27 thoughts go thru my mind at once..so when im the one thats upset, and doing the confronting, it takes me at least a day before i can fully explain whuts wrong, why im upset && blah blah blah.. && when im the one in the wrong... it has to be 20 times worse..if n e thing it makes me look even guiltier..its worse then public speaking.. my mind draws blanks.. and as i try to put my thoughts together..nothing comes out..

when im upset at something, ii get over it once ive said what ive had to say. i dont hold grudges, partly because i dont like fighting.i avoid it as much as possible.. not to say that everything goes back to normal.. ii wiish it was that simple tho..

((2bc..))

grrr.

ii crave candles && absent minded kisses && for once in forever being able to do what ii want to do..ii feel ignored.. not literally.. but more so forgotten.. like heyyy remember meee...&& what iiiii like to do. && who ii am..lol. maybe ii need to find some wierdo friends that like bookstores && art musuems...&& uther things that require a brain... id like to feel like someone has stopped the world just for me for at least 5 minutes.. which ii realize is alot to ask for.. but today ii feel selfishly frustrated.. iim tired of...sharing ...why do ii have to share my favorite people...ALL THE TIME. this day sukks. filled with unsuccesful research && unaccomplished goals...when i need something..people r too busy to help.. but ii drop everything for others..doesnt seem fair.

"Tears are sometimes an inappropriate response to death. When a life has been lived completely honestly, completely successfully, or just completely, the correct response to death's perfect punctuation mark is a smile. "

juss got a call from my mom while at work.. g-moms is in the hospital.. had a stroke.. my 79 year old great grandmother is loosing strength right in front of my eyes. she had been sick for a while, nothing major..but never been hospitalized.. the one that holds my family together..ii have this deep pain in my chest,throat, && stomach.. ii can handle when IM the one not okay, because i know that i will be ok.. but ii feel so helpless. iim beggining to realize that without question, she will die before me. hopefully no time soon, but i just keep thinking about the circle of life, and how people will die.. one day i will die.. i unno.. its not sumthing i like to think of.. last funeral ii went to was my dads... ii cant imagaine having to go thru that again.. especially now...

i know that i have the perfect family for the perfect disasters.. strong willed, we keep each other up.. im the only one that doesnt cry out loud. im looked at as the one making the calls, finding out the info, all while trying to keep everyone else calm with a smile or a few jokes... no matter what we always get thru things..

((no comment))

iive had the worst chest pains lately.. ii try && seem under control..not to scare any one. but sometimes it just is unbearable.. ii caant even explain it.. it has alot to do with the stress && anxiety ii put myself thru.. ii feel so old sometimes.. laughing to hard.HURTS..trying to keep from crying HURTS... walking too fast HURTS...anything over exhurting my upper body..hurts..its rediculous..ii get hella tired easily..all ii ever wanna do is sleep, or be wiith HIM..all these hospital bills r killiin me.. makes me wanna juss breathe thru the heart pain. lol. i hear "hospital", and instantly see the dollar signs leaving ma bank account.. ii stress out when the people i care about stress out.. ii stress out for them..ontop of my stress.. ii juss need to make a few moves..so that way we kan be straight... ii could never be content with the place i am at in my life because there is always opportunity to better it.. but ii cant complain either if im not doing much to help..

(PAUSE)
... ii chose not to blog about the last few days..juss because ii still havent taken it all in.. ii will say this tho.. whutever it was.. iit was bomb. and ii wish that there was a button ii could press so ii could feel that way alllllll day... ii mean there kinda is a button..but ii dont have that kind of access to it as ii would like.. ii read somehwere that there might be a possibility for a few allnighters.lol. we'll see if that oppurtunity arises... (pause) ..literally. lol

DEAR THURSDAY,

ii hurt a little less then yesterday.. "i'll love you thru it"..big words. very true words tho.. baby steps i guess. i know the person i was before he came around would be off this entire thing. but the me that i am now, just makes me want to ,love him harder..just with eyes wide open..little things matter.they say alot. ((like away messages and ikon piktures..little kid shyt,..)) love feels like a binding contract when being tested.. people make mistakes..&& i thought forgiveness would make me look weak, i see now that ii look alot stronger for being able to move on from it.. i talked to my dads "little homiie" (from QS)yesterday ... his reaction to my tearfull hello..was "u want him in a box?".. lol .. i thought about if i was really that mad .if i could ever really be that maad.."nah im good, we'll get thru it"..was my answer.. so here ii am.. tryna get thru it.. nervous for tommoro... hope everything in the 4th month feels like the first..

iive decided to juss keep my mouth shut about things that ii really wanna say. no good can come from this, && ii cant really go by what others tell me..((tho id be a fool not to mention it))..so here ii am ...mentioning it.."the suffer in silence type" as my mom likes to kall me.. im more hurt then anything..&& ii dont need to ask if its true what ii was told, because what would ii do wiith that type of information.. forgiveness would only make me look weaker..to say im not trippin would be like saying fire isnt hot... all ii can do is take note..everything comes out eventually.. innocent until proven guilty.. the benefit of the doubt is given.. but the signs of doubt have indeed been noted.. tiime to take a few steps back.. regardless if its true or not..if you really do love someone like you say, you know what situations not to place yourself in. you know what is enough temptation to make you mess up..am ii the only one that believes in self control??...theres no such thing as "caught in the moment"... there shouldn't be any room for moments... everything is placed into a better perspective at least.. how much am ii willing to tolerate??... ii think my tolerance is only enuff until ii feel && look like a fool. this time ive been caught off gaurd, next time, ill see it for myself && there will be no suffering in silence.. just me calling my mom to bail me out of jail.

For Your Info

growing tiired of the same pattern... was never really down for shariing. worry comes when ii stop caring... && iive stopped...caring..

Jungle Juiice

thiis has been thee BEST weekend of my life..as far as juss regular FREE funn is concerned.. iim not gunna go into any details, but the moral of part one of the story is that im so glad iim not labeled as "the girlfriend" .. im happy that people can tell we are together..without me being GLUED to his balls... im happy that ii do have my own life outside of our world. that i have friends, especialy the same friends. it helps the relationship. when you become dependent on one person entirely... that puts you into a bad situation.. if something was to ever happen, and he was all ii allowed myself to have...if for some reason he left me..id be screwed. && thats real. ii already cant imagine my life without him.. so iif ii put a possesive && overwhelming CONTINOUS emotion into him... it wuldnt be good..lol being my own person and having a normal amount of space, reminds me how to function without him there. i love him completly, but ii know how to live when he's not around. im glad that im a tomboy.. it use to embaress me, because ii felt like if we go somewhere. i look like his sister or sumthing.. (partly due to the cargos, which are officialy retired in is presence) im glad that i like to play football, && ii can carry a conversation without taking every word personaly...im glad ii dont take things to serious.. shyt, im juss glad i am who i am.. ii feel bad for getting joy thru uther peoples fuk ups..but it made me appreciate myself.. im always so quick to shoot myself down..scared of not being good enuff. but after this weekend, ii think im DAMN GOOD!. lol. im a bomb ass girlfriend.. most of the time.. becus i do have my bad moments. no lie. ii give this weekend a 9. a ten would have ment i didnt go home... fully prepared for July 10th.. wont be going home that night. ;)


((the highlight of my day was of course this stuff called JUNGLE JUiiCE???..
still no klue whut was in it... ii was gone for a minute tho. lol.
tasted like kool aid after many shots of clear liquor...))

cringing wiith crackers..

where to begin.. health.the most important.. i went to the doctor today. i am officially cured of whatever it was i had that ii cant spell or pronounce..the tests that came back on my brain were negative, && they think that ii might have been mis diagnosed with a form of epilepsy.. it looks to be that ii most likely have some type of an anxiety/panic attack disorder instead... which can also be cured with medication for a few months while my heart continues to be monitored... i have a neurologist appointment in a few weeks... wiish me luuk!!
LOVE...y is it alot harder then iit looks. when placed in emotional situations, its hard for me to explain myself.. my feelings... n e thing really.. ii choke.. which is why im so good at writing,its how ii explain any..&& everything.. all that comes out of my mouth are "umm's"..."ii cant explain's".. && uther stuff that makes me sound like an overly dramatic broad. ii never wanna be the girlfriend that always is upset over little things..who nit piks && is jealous && over bearing.. thats so not me at all..

ii feel that the love that ii have to offer n e one..is greater then n e thing else ii culd give a person.. so my way of showing that ii care, or that ur missed, or n e thing else positive... ii tend to want to be affectionate.. so when ii feel like iim missed or whutever else, i excpect the same in return..to me yesterday was just baad timing, it wasnt a day where ii wanted to be left alone..ii wanted to be hugged and smothered... to be reassured that everything would be okay.. after being hospitalized...ii felt like yesterday shuld hav been an exception to the affection rule. i dont mind just being able to sit && stare or make jokes..thats being a bro for the day. && im always down for that.. but ii felt like yesterday caught me off gaurd. not at all what i expected or wanted.


once a conversation was had, && ii woke up feeling like shyt.. ii realized even mooooore.. ii didnt at all take into consideration how ii was making n e one else feel.. && that was selfish of me.. ive grown use to the doctor appointments, the sickness.. the heart issues && allergic reactions.. the people that are in my life now.. are new. && iit feels like ive known them forever sometimes..so ii forget the type of worry ii bring with me. the burden ii am..iim not tryna stress him out or make n e one wish they could have been there for me when they arnt capable. iim fine on my own..ive done well all this time.. && no ii dont need a big parade or a stop the presses when ii come around..

a certain type of contentment && a controlled emotion from me needs to be obtained... the doctors always tell me after ive had a scan how my heart is slightly to biig for my body.. a metaphor in so many ways."a gift && a curse" she tells me. holding back is diffrent from pushing away.. ii feel like its a form of lieing tho... withholding information.. ii dont want him to ever have to question iif ii love him. bekus ii kno what that feels like to wonder if someone really does care about u like they say.&& if u have to wonder..they prolly dont.. ii hate bein doubted.. everything was so unnecessary && blown out of porportion..never again.



at the end of the day...
him loving me is enough. thats one thing ii will never have to question in life. my happiness doesnt revolve around kisses && hugs or parades. him being there really is enough.. && ii should have thought of all of this sooner then later.
&& ii can here him now.."(yo baad)"


yea yea yea.. u riight .